The Emma Pillsbury Diary: season 3
by obsessedgleek
Summary: Relive season 3 through the eyes of Emma Pillsbury.
1. Chapter 1

Notes

You will find 'The Emma Pillsbury Diary: Season 3' is a lot lengthier and doesn't adhere so strictly to the events of the episodes as the previous diaries did. This is because:

1. As Emma said to Sue, 'Will tells me everything.' Therefore I had to build in some Emma thoughts about things that didn't directly relate to Emma.

2. Will and Emma are together (yay) ALL THE TIME. Therefore they have SO MUCH to talk about.

3. As far as I'm concerned, RIB left a gaping hole in Emma's story. They never addressed what she and Will were doing to remedy Emma's OCD or how it was affecting their daily life together. This is something that Emma would write about. My perspective on her behaviour and treatment is based upon research of OCD patients with germ obsessions. Emma's 'treatment' is all conjecture on my part and should you find it completely unrealistic, I'm sorry. Welcome to the world of fanfiction!

My goal in writing the diaries was to relive the season through Emma's perspective with not too many embellishments but some creative licence. I hope for the most part you find 'The Emma Pillsbury Diary: Season 3' an enjoyable and emotionally satisfying read.


	2. Chapter 2

Prelude.

'_**When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.' From the film, 'When Harry Met Sally' (Nora Ephron)**_

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for the lapse in my attention towards you, but I've been distracted. So deliciously distracted. BY LOVE. This has been THE BEST SUMMER OF MY LIFE. I AM SO HAPPY that I've had to expand my yellow wardrobe. I want to shout it from the rooftops; I want to burst into song; I want to paint the words across the sky in a heart the size of the earth: 'I LOVE WILL'. Taking the medication is the best decision I've EVER made. Not that I'm one to condone drug taking but these drugs are really working. Not only can I eat my grapes without individually wiping them but more importantly, I'm not scared to be IN LOVE with Will anymore. I knew when he returned from New York that chances like this don't come twice. Just as The Seekers sang in 'I'll Never Find Another You', I know I could search the whole world over until my days are through but I'll never find another Will. He is my one and only and on that last day of school I had to somehow tell him.

So there he stood, leaning against my office door, arms folded, his head crocked, a smile on that handsome face of his and HIS EYES…caressing me! Can eyes caress Diary? His were. I felt my heart flutter and that ember in the pit of my stomach he set alight two years ago, which I denied giving air to all year could no longer be contained. It burst into flames and radiated its heat through my body. Diary, it took all of my self-control not to melt into his arms. Instead, I smiled.

'I told you it wouldn't be forever,' he said.

I thought to myself, I could look into your eyes forever. I cleared my throat and stood up, moving towards him. I took his hand and said, 'Come and see the banner.'

We stood in the corridor looking at it, but my mind wasn't on the banner, it was focused on his hand in mine. _Keep control, keep control_, I told myself.

'Are you upset?' I asked.

'No…Yes. And embarrassed. All of that work, a whole year. We were so cocky.'

'You'll get them next year.' I took a breath and I looked straight at him. 'I think mistakes make people grow. Sometimes people can make a big mistake, one that wastes a whole year of their lives. One that keeps them from the thing they want the most.'

Our eyes were locked as if by a magnetic force. Then in that gentle tone of his Will asked, 'And how do those people make up for those big mistakes? The ones that keep them from the thing that they want the most?'

'They have to work really hard to make up for it,' I replied. 'Spend at least the whole summer focused on nothing but making things right.'

'The whole summer?' He queried.

I straightened his tie and kept my hand over his heart. 'Maybe even longer.'

He placed one hand over mine and pulled me closer with the other. Just inches from my lips Will murmured, 'A _whole_ _lot _longer.'

And there it was again: another pearly white sneak attack, and I didn't even care! Truth be told I'd hoped for exactly this response. When our lips reluctantly parted we looked into each other's eyes filled with certainty and love. He lifted me up and swung me around and neither of us could stop smiling. Then the bell rang and suddenly there was Rachel. Son of a biscuit, she has this uncanny knack of interrupting Will and I at the most inopportune moments. Will put me down. _Don't stop, don't stop, don't interrupt this moment _I repeated over and over in my head, willing Rachel to just keep moving. And she did! She glanced at the banner and hurried on. I don't think she even noticed us. We looked up at the banner, Will's arm went around my shoulder and pulling me close he said, 'Twelfth place has never felt so good!' I looked up at him, basking in this wondrous moment: I am enough for his love. My heart felt like it would explode but I didn't feel out of control. No longer overwhelmed by this immense love. No longer plagued by doubts. I feel secure and excited for the future. _Our _future_._ This is it. There is no turning back this time. No more fear, no more denial, no more mistakes (well, we are only human, there will undoubtedly be some), I know what I want and what I want is WILL AND EMMA FOREVER.

In a quiet moment in between classes on that last day, Will swooped into my office singing 'It's not the pale moon that excites me, that thrills and delights me…' and pulling me out of my chair for a slow dance he continued to sing '...it's just the _Nearness of You_.'

Swoon.

That evening I drove over to Will's place. The minute I walked in the door we were in each other's arms again. Then Will pulled away and took me by the hand and led me to the couch. We sat down and talked and talked. About us. About how he sang on the stage in New York and how it was a dream come true, but when he looked out into the empty theatre he said, 'That's how empty I felt without you.'

We talked about my OCD. I said, 'I'm working through my fears and gradually increasing my exposure to them and practising response prevention. It's terrifying and exhausting. I see this OCD as a schoolyard bully now. I've been bullied by it all of my life, and instead of standing up to it or ignoring the taunts, I've allowed it to control my mind.'

'It's like having Sue Sylvester to battle every day,' Will said.

'OCD makes Sue look rational!' I looked down at my hands in his. 'I…I have felt so ashamed and so inadequate for so long.' Diary, it was so hard for me to say that to him, but once I'd said it, I felt like I'd opened the floodgates. 'Part of me thought I didn't deserve you. How could I inflict this …this disease on someone I love so much? How could you understand when I don't even understand it myself? But you never let go, and I refuse to waste one more second without you.' Will took my face in his hands and kissed me again.

'Stay,' he murmured against my lips. 'Stay forever.'

'I want to…this night…every night… but I still can't…it's not that I don't want to…'

'Emma, it's OK. Gradual exposure, I get it. One step at a time. We're going to take this at your pace.

I looked into his eyes, so full of compassion and earnestness, I wanted to cry.

'I can move into your place if that makes it easier?'

I shook my head. 'No, my apartment is what therapists call 'the safe zone', it's uncontaminated and 'safe' for me. If I really want to get better, I need to break the safe zone. Besides, I don't have the closet space for your vest collection.

Will laughed.

'Will, if you hadn't inspired me to face my fears, I wouldn't be here.'

'And if you hadn't supported my dream two years ago, I wouldn't be here either, so I guess we're even!'

I smiled.

I promised not to let the doubts in my head override what I have in my heart for him.

Will said, 'I'm going to tell you what I once told Rachel and I want you to remember it when those doubts in your head try to tell you otherwise: 'There is a boy out here who loves you for everything you are, including those parts of you that even you don't like...those are the things he likes the most.'

I couldn't stop a tear from rolling down my cheek. Will wiped it away and I took his face in my hands and kissed him with all the longing I've held inside me for what seems like forever.

So I stayed. Not because I had packed my nightdress and tooth brush but because it felt physically impossible to tear myself from his side. The words I heard Rachel singing once, surfaced from a recess in my head, 'losing you is like living in a world with no air.' I suddenly felt so alive, like all my senses had been lying dormant and were suddenly reawakened. We sat on the sofa talking and giggling and revelling in each other's touch. We never run out of things to talk about. At 2am, with my head on Will's shoulder and his head resting on mine, our eyes closed. Will said, 'Come on, let's go to bed, we're exhausted'. He insisted I use the bathroom first, so I did, then he was sliding into bed next to me. NEXT TO ME. He smelled so good – of soap and toothpaste. Suddenly I felt all wide awake again. We lay there facing each other, hands entwined. Diary, I can't begin to explain how completely, completely content I felt. Is this what heaven feels like? As if my body and my mind have melted?

Will burst into song: …'The rest of the world can just disappear, as long as you're here.'

What are you singing?

'One of the songs a competing choir sang at Nationals, I thought of you when I heard it. He brushed my lips with a kiss. Do you know how many nights I've dreamt of you lying beside me?'

I smiled and looked at him, 'We shared the same dreams then.'

'Mine', he replied, 'were x-rated.'

I blushed.

The next morning my eyes opened to see Will's face resting only inches from mine, our foreheads touching, our hands still clasped between us. 'Rise and shine sleepy head,' I murmured.

He opened his eyes and smiled at me. 'I've been lying here thinking I wish I could stop time, so we could lie like this for ever.'

'And never move?'

'Never, from your side.' He rose on to an elbow and rested his other hand on my hip, pulling me towards him. 'In the words of Sting, you are "every breath I take, every move I make."' He kissed my forehead. I appreciated the fact he didn't try to kiss me on the lips…neither of us had brushed.

'Well, It's the first day of the holidays and I'm focused on making things right because in the words of Gloria Estefan, "there is nothing I can do, (and you know I've tried), to keep from loving you." Will you help me pack up my apartment?'

And so I moved in with Will and we spent the summer vacation together, not one minute apart. I had to do some cupboard rearranging because Will just doesn't have any idea – he had the cornflakes stored next to the peanut butter. Alphabetical ordering is so much easier.

The first time I opened his fridge, the milk, cheese and yoghurt just jumped into my vision like close ups on a movie screen with the screeching sound effects from Hitchcock's 'Pyscho' playing in my ears. I felt nauseous. So much so that I quickly closed the fridge again and ran to the bathroom. Will followed me and stared at me leaning over the basin.

'Honey, what's wrong?'

I felt so stupid, I didn't want to answer. I had to. 'Remember why I don't eat dairy?'

Will nodded.

'I…I saw the milk and…'

'Emma, I'll get rid of the milk, and the cheese, we don't have to have them in the house.' He turned me to face him. His look of concern touched my heart. It would be such an easy solution to rid the house of all dairy products, but it wasn't **the **solution.

'No. No. You denied yourself peanut butter for Terri, you're not doing the same for me. I need to get over this. Besides, we promised to make things right, not easy.'

He stared at me then said, 'What you're doing is really hard, but I have complete faith in you.'

My wardrobe only just fitted. I had to cull some of my weekend clothing. Will sat on the bed watching my every move, telling me which clothes he loved seeing me in. He said my pea green coat held a special place in his heart because it was what I was wearing the first time he kissed me. When I returned his grey woollen vest to his closet he pulled me to him and we just stood with our arms wrapped around each other. I felt his heart beating next to mine, the scent of his aftershave, his arms strong around me. Home.

And I had to do some cleaning…and have the carpet steam-cleaned. Will made me verbalize, for the first time, what was going on in my head. I felt foolish telling him, because I know it sounds irrational, but he said he can't help me if he doesn't understand completely. I love him more and more.

When we were out shopping, we came across some retro Superhero lunch boxes. Will stopped and picked up the box with Wonder Woman on it and said, 'I'm getting you this, because to me you are Wonder Woman.' I picked out Superman for him. I love a man of action and he saved me. We saved each other.


	3. Chapter 3

The Purple piano project.

_**'You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.' **_

_**Dr. Seuss**_

Dear Diary,

I awoke to Will's voice saying, 'Rise and Shine sleepy head. Guess who woke up right before I did?'

I felt his body move closer to mine as he kissed the side of my head. I love waking up next to him and I love that he finds me so….arousing. Why can't I feel that aroused by him? The therapist said people with OCD often have a low s - - drive and I shouldn't dwell on it. I should just work on getting over my fear of it. Diary, I blush at the thought of our foreplay but then I panic as things heat up or I feel a touch of sweat and my mind is gripped with irrational thoughts of contamination and I've had to pull back. Will is so patient and I'm ashamed to admit that intercourse still freaks me out. But back to this morning…

'I haven't brushed yet,' I responded and sprung out of bed. In the bathroom I paused brushing and stared at myself in the mirror. Apart from how good this yellow nightdress looks on me, I thought, why do I have this fear of body fluids? Will came into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck.'

Wanna have a shower with me?'

'I…I want to decide what to wear today.'

'Out of your Monday collection?'

I nodded.

He looked in the mirror at the two of us. 'Damn, we look good together.' He kissed me again, stripped himself of his boxers and got in the shower. I looked at his perfect butt disappearing behind the curtain and he turned and gave me a wink, I blushed. I decided that today I needed to wear a colour that would subdue Will's sexual feelings towards me.

I'm not sure my dusty pink attire quelled Will's passion. Over breakfast he looked like he wanted to devour _me_, instead of the toast I put into his mouth. We made each other's lunches and put them in our new lunch boxes. Our new lunchboxes are made of aluminium so there are no PBA's leaking from them – much healthier than plastic. It's a big step for me to eat food that someone else has prepared, but it has been our focus over the summer and now I don't even think twice about eating anything Will makes me and on a good day (which are becoming more frequent) I can even share a bite from the same sandwich. It's as if Will and I have lived together forever. We can anticipate each other's every move. We're like a synchronized swimming team.

Dear Diary,

Will and I sat in bed watching the late news when the entertainment segment came on. The guy who replaced Will in April Rhodes' musical won a Tony. I looked at Will.

Do you regret it?

He looked at me and hugged me tightly as he said, 'No. I am right where I'm supposed to be.'

Diary, is it possible to love him even more? Will is determined to stay focused and work harder this year. The Glee club is three members down. I told him how when I was out shopping I passed Motta's piano's and I commented on the purple piano they had in there. The salesman had asked me if I knew anyone who might be interested in it? They had a number of them that they wanted to get rid of. I told Will and he got all excited. Now he has a plan to attract kids to Glee Club.

Dear Diary,

Rachel and Kurt came to my office today. I wasn't surprised. They're the only dating combination that the Glee club hasn't tried. I gave them one of my pamphlets, 'Me and My Hag'. It's their final year of school and they want to go to Julliard. I had to tell them Julliard doesn't have a musical theatre department. I asked them if they'd thought about somewhere closer to home like Kent State. I told them it has a macabre back story too, so if they're having a bad day or they don't get the lead in the musical, they can say to themselves, things really could be worse. But they were determined. I like to see that kind of determination in kids. So I pulled out my pamphlet on NYADA. 'I think I have the perfect school for you,' I said. 'US News Ranked #1 school in America for the dramatic arts. Very competitive. Only takes 20 students a year. They do a regular mixer for prospective students and this year the Midwest's top talent is rubbing elbows down at the Dayton Doubletree on Thursday night.' They could go and check out the competish. Yay college!

Dear Diary,

Sue has not softened over the summer. If anything she has become even more combative. She walked around school today destroying Will's purple pianos.

On another note, Quinn has gone all punk: pink hair, a tattoo of Ryan Seacrest on the small of her back. I hope it's a henna tattoo, otherwise she's gonna regret that one. She should speak to Johnny Depp about ill-chosen tattoos – 'Winona forever'! On the other hand I could be certain about a tattoo stating 'Wemma forever', perhaps just below my hip bone, Will loves my hips, when he slides down my skirt, there it would be – a permanent declaration of my love, and he would look up at me in surprise then adoration and plant kisses all around it then…..what am I saying? This is another one of my fantasy scenes, there's no way I would ever get a tattoo – those parlours, strangers touching my skin, the germs, the diseases that needles carry. Arghhh! Breathe Emma, breathe, focus, use those relaxation techniques you've been taught…

Quinn's taken up smoking and she's joined 'The Skanks'. Mercifully, they never come near me. I doubt they see the inside of a shower more than once a week. Quinn's behaviour is clearly a result of her never having dealt with giving away her baby. Why didn't she come and see me? I had a couple of pamphlets made especially for her titled, 'It seemed like a good idea at the time' and 'A baby cramps your style; you made the right decision'. Babies. I know Will wants children. He talks about how he'd like to start a family. Of course I want to have children with him, I just have to get over my aversion to the reproduction process first. What if I never can? No, Emma, that's not a positive thought, send it away. I can. I'm making progress. I can look at Will's (I can even say the word!) penis now without that heart-stopping surge in anxiety you feel when you've lost a child at the shopping centre or the swimming pool. My anxiety about touching it or it touching me, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, is about an 8…on a good day. Will would be a wonderful father. What kind of mother would I make? What if they inherit my disorder? Send that thought away too Emma. OCD is not necessarily hereditary and with Will's genes to counteract mine, there is a good chance a child we have won't be inflicted with this debilitating problem. But there's still a chance.

Last night Will and I were sitting up in bed. I had the late local news on – I have to do something to distract Will from trying to have s - - with me. He was whispering sweet nothings in my ear, or maybe he was just smelling my hair – he loves the smell of my hair, when congressional candidate Sue came on the local news. Son of a biscuit, she mentioned Will's name. I tapped Will's abs to get his attention – they're rock hard. I felt something stir inside me but it retreated as soon as I heard Sue say she wants to cut arts funding in _all_ schools. Will and I were stunned. That put an end to any potential foreplay. I had to calm Will down.

'It's been proven that the arts help the kids do better in school,' he said vehemently.

'I know, I know. Breathe, Will.'

Dear Diary,

Today Will came in to use my pink rubber gloves and a bucket. I looked at him in alarm and asked if my OCD was rubbing off onto him. He smiled and said 'No, but I do enjoy the other parts of you that do. He makes me blush. He explained that the Glee kids had done a musical number 'You've Got the Beat' in the school cafeteria and their performance started a food fight. I went to look but quickly retreated. The mess! They'll need an industrial strength hose, a highly concentrated detergent and boiling water, mops…

Will had a new student try out for Glee club today. Her name is Sugar Motta. She can't sing. Poor Will. He doesn't have the heart to tell her, but I agree with Rachel, school is where you learn it is survival of the fittest and she may kill all of their chances. You can't shelter people from the truth. I mean I hid from the truth for a whole year and I never stop regretting it. I wasted a whole year of our lives. If Brittany had her time machine finished I'd gladly step into it and turn back twelve months of my life to that day in the corridor when Will said 'I love you and you love me.' I wouldn't have denied it and run away scared. Or would I? Everything that has happened has lead us to where we are now and I think Will and I are better for it.

Diary,

Today I felt something in my nether regions. We were in the lunch room and Will was talking about how Sue wants to declare war on the arts. Will said, 'General Schuester is about to launch a counter offensive.' The tone in his voice, Diary. The look of determination in his eyes. Mmm - a man of action. He stirred something in me. So this is what being turned on feels like I said to myself. I watched him walk out. The scent of his aftershave lingered. I could barely concentrate on my lunch let alone what Shannon was saying. Over dinner tonight, Will told me the plan.

Dear Diary,

Today Will and I ambushed Sue's Cheerios try outs. Not that she plans to let anyone join. She just likes to see them cry. Will glitter-bombed Sue and I filmed it. It was exhilarating. I've never been so daring. I thought at any moment Sue might jump up and wrestle Will to the ground or punch his chiselled features then chase me around the gym trying to get the camera but she didn't. Will and I grabbed each other's arms and ran out of there. Once we were safely back in his office and had downloaded the footage, we hi fived each other and giggled like kids at our success. I stood behind Will's chair, watching the footage, with my arms around his shoulders and my cheek pressing next to his. I ran my hands through his hair. His hair gel doesn't bother me at all now.

Aside from Will and I, Kurt must be the happiest person at school. Blaine has joined McKinley. He did a dance number for Kurt in the school yard – 'It's Not Unusual To Be Loved By Anyone' (I might add it feels so good to be loved by Will) which gave Santana the opportunity to set fire to a purple piano. Will and I talked about her behaviour. Undoubtedly she's been coerced by Sue but It can't go unpunished or all the other kids will think it's acceptable behaviour. Santana's showing no loyalty to her friends or the Glee Club. Will's decided to ban her from New Directions until she can be as loyal to the club as the others are. I don't know who's hurting more – Will or Santana.

Dear Diary,

The alarm went at 6am. We take it in turns to sleep on the alarm side of the bed. It's just another small step I've taken to exposing myself to the fear of sleeping on sheets someone else has slept on in an attempt to eradicate all boundaries between myself and WiIl. I rolled over to wake Will. I used to hate waking up because I knew the rituals would start, but now, I can't wait to open my eyes and see Will next to me. Like a child, he was trying to hide under his pillow. He didn't want to get up. 'Rise and shine sleepy head' I said, 'Come on.' I patted his biceps. It really is like sleeping with Michelangelo's David, every muscle in his body is sculptured to perfection. I made both of our lunches and as I shut the lid on his, Superman stared back up at me and I felt turned on again. Will said he didn't want to go to school today and I smiled. Will was saying that he knew it was for the greater good of the club. And it is. I told him so last night. He just can't keep his emotions out of the equation. He has so much empathy which is just one of the many reasons why I love him. He doesn't want to kill Sugar's dream and he doesn't want to ban Santana from the club. I felt an overwhelming desire to kiss him. 'Will, you glitter-bombed Sue; this week you stopped being a man of words and became a man of action and that was super hot.' I took his face in my hands and drew his lips to mine. Our tongues immediately collided. As we kissed I felt all his tension dissipate. Like air being let out of a balloon. He pulled me closer to him and we melted into each other. I felt quite light-headed when we finally drew apart; our eyes were locked and for a moment nothing else in the world existed. It took all of my self control to let go of him. I picked up our lunch boxes. Will seemed disoriented. 'Come on,' I said, 'we'll be late for school.'


	4. Chapter 4

I am Unicorn

_**'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.' Lao Tzu**_

Dear Diary,

Will really is an excellent cook. Tonight he cooked a Moroccan lamb tagine with couscous and salad. My taste buds were in ecstasy. Over dinner Will was telling me how Vocal Adrenalin came in second last year and their coach has been fired. Will and the kids have a chance. Then Will said he can't direct the school musical this year. To make up for last year his soul focus has to be New Directions and to meet that end, he is starting up a booty camp with Mike. I'm so proud of him. He's keeping his promise to make things right. We're both focusing on making things right.

Will said, 'You did such a great job helping me with Rocky Horror last year, especially with one particular scene. I looked up at his bemused face and felt myself blush. I looked down at my plate and noticed an odd number of sweet potato pieces. I tried to ignore the desire to hurriedly eat one to make the number even.

Will continued talking, 'Why don't you direct the school musical?'

'Not on my own Will, it's too big a job….all the responsibility.'

'We could find you a co-director.'

'Who could we get to help?'

'What about Shannon, she's down to earth, doesn't take any nonsense from the kids?

'I suppose it would be a good opportunity to get to know her better, I know you've got a lot of time for her.

'You'll have all the Glee kids…what about Artie? He could be the director and you and Shannon can be _his _co-directors…it's for the kids, it should be by the kids.

Yes! Yes! And It's up to us to bring out their talents.

Dear Diary,

Quite an eventful day. Shelby Cochran is working at McKinley. She's been employed by Figgins to start up a rival show choir just so Motta's spoilt daughter can sing in a choir. Where is Figgins' loyalty to Will? Will says the more arts at the school the better. He is so magnanimous. Will is more worried about Shelby's effect on Rachel, Puck and Quinn. I have to admit, I was a little curious to see this woman that bore Rachel and who Will once kissed.

Quinn and her skanks were caught throwing coloured tampons at the marching band's rehearsal.

Rachel sang 'Somewhere' for her audition. Outstanding.

Quinn and Sue came into Will's office and Quinn told Will her life was his fault! Will told her she needs to grow up. How long is she going to play the victim card? Will stood his ground. He was still angry when he got home. I wish I'd been there…General Schuester really turns me on. I motioned for him to sit down and I massaged his head, neck and shoulders. Finally he got to the end of his rant and simply sighed, 'That feels so good.'

I leant over his head, my hair brushing his cheeks. He looked up at me, 'You smell so good.'

I planted a kiss on his lips and smiled. 'You don't smell so bad yourself.' I moved around the chair and straddled his lap. He slid his hands up the back of my shirt and we had a make out session before dinner.

Dear Diary,

We had more auditions today. Kurt sang I'm the Greatest Star – Rachel gave him permission! He was superb. McKinley really is lucky to have so many talented performers.

Shannon, Artie and I met in my office to discuss who we would choose for the main roles. I could barely concentrate. Shannon put her feet up on my desk and there was gum on the bottom of her shoe. All I could see were thousands of bacteria and what if it got stuck on my desk? Chewing gum is so hard to get off. I'd have to ask Will to scrape it off for me. And then those thoughts were pushed aside by the memory of Will scraping the gum off my Cinderella shoes two years ago and suddenly Shannon removed her feet off my desk and I was ok. I didn't even immediately reach for the spray and wipe. I am so much better but why couldn't I just tell her to remove her feet off my desk? I still have trouble expressing my feelings. Anyway we deliberated over Kurt as Tony:

'There is a delicate wholesomeness to Kurt that is unexpected but not unwelcome for Tony. If I was Maria I'd love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape,' I offered. Shannon said she wants a Tony that will excite her lady parts. She said Kurt is too much of a lady. Artie too is worried that Kurt might be a little delicate for Tony. Oh this is so hard.

Then our decision was made for us as Kurt decided to re-audition using a scene from Romeo and Juliet with Rachel as Juliet and he as Romeo. He used the word post-coitus which made me very uncomfortable. I ignored it. I was quite moved by their performance but Shannon couldn't stop laughing. His performance was too wordy and too theatrical and when it came to kissing Juliet, it all went pear shaped. We all burst out laughing and then I felt terrible as Kurt ran off in embarrassment. I of all people know how hard it is to kiss someone.

Will and I ate lunch together as usual. He told me Quinn is back in Glee club. It seems Will standing up to her nonsense has knocked some sense back into her. Yay Will. Shannon joined us with her whole chicken. I can't believe she eats a whole chicken at every meal. Then Sue arrived with her barbs even sharper than usual. She called me a golden marmoset, which is just ridiculous and then wanted to know if I was freakishbonyginger gmail. Suddenly I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Freak. How I hate that word. I felt Will's hand rub my back and the anxiety that was rising within me, subsided a little. Sue kept raving on and on about the state of the economy and how the arts reek of elitism and self-indulgence blah blah blah. Then she said she's in first place! OMG how can people support her insanity? Are the general public that stupid? Thankfully she walked off to sit at the 'first place' table and Will leant in and asked 'What are we going to do?' I couldn't get my mind off the fact that Will smelled so good and how much I wanted to kiss his lips. I distantly heard Shannon say we need to find someone to run against Sue – the anti-Sue. I looked at Will. He is the antithesis of Sue.

We talked about it later that night. I asked Will if he wanted to run against her. 'I promised the kids I'd be there all year and being an arts teacher it looks like I'm just protecting myself.' I agreed. Mmm, he smelled good, fresh out of the shower. I suggested we try some more of my exposure therapy. He didn't need to be asked twice!

Dear Diary,

Back to auditions. This time Blaine and his song 'Something's Coming.' My God McKinley has an abundance of talent. He reminds me of Will – an all round talent, masculine but sensitive, a great dancer and singer, stage presence. He is our Tony.


	5. Chapter 5

Asian F

'L_**ove is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.' Robert Heinlein**_

Dear Diary,

Will's been working after school with the Glee kids on their booty camp but he's still able to get home before me because I've been caught up with rehearsals and organisational stuff for the musical. I've never begrudged extra work before and I'm enjoying getting to know the kids better but now all of these extra, unpaid hours are taking me away from Will and I miss him. Anyway, I guess it's true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder because as a result he's had one of his magnificent dinners waiting for me every night. He told me over dinner that Santana has re-sworn her allegiance to the Glee club but now he's having trouble with Mercedes. He told her it's not about doing her best anymore, it's about doing better. Poor Will. I said, 'It's a wonder you haven't opted for an all male glee club.' He replied, 'I'm afraid Kurt wouldn't provide all the feminine charm we need.'

Dear Diary,

Ok, this morning was awkward. Will found my box of wedding magazines. I kind of wanted him to because I so, so, SO, want to be married to him, but I don't want to be the one to raise the topic, especially as I'm still battling my fear of the hose monster. I panicked and said, 'Terri must have had a massive bridal magazine addiction.' Then I thought to myself, Oh stupid! Will had cleaned out all of Terri's stuff long before I moved in. Then he saw my Vera Wang autographed photo. That was harder to explain away. Will said he wasn't scared of my inner bridezilla. Phew. Maybe growing up on romantic Disney movies has had too much bearing on the importance I place on marriage. I don't know, I just feel that the marriage ritual will symbolize and cement us as one and the feeling of loneliness that I've spent most of my life feeling will disappear. Then he said because he doesn't like secrets he wanted to share his magazine collection with me. OMG. Porn magazines! He said they kept him off Craig's list. Who is Craig? And why does he have a list? Note to self: go on Wikipedia and find out what Craig's List is. Will was still talking.

'It's clearly the road we're heading down. Oh be still my beating heart. 'Marriage is just one of several milestones I'm looking forward to sharing with you.'

Me too, me too. I know one of those 'milestones' is having sex. I'm still having trouble with that. Then things took a turn for the worst. He said if I was serious about us why hasn't he met my parents? That was unexpected but not an unreasonable question. But he can never meet them so I said whatever came into my head. 'They're dead!'

'But you spoke to them on the phone last night.'

'I spoke to their ghosts last night, I have ghost parents.'

He looked frustrated. He refuses to let me avoid things anymore. Ok, I couldn't lie to him but I couldn't tell him about my parents either. I said, I just want to take it really slowly and I don't want to rush things and I think meeting my parents right now would be a bad idea. I kissed him and exited the room before he could question me any further. Oh what am I to do? My parents are INSANE. There is no way he'll want my genetic material once he meets them.

Dear Diary,

Mercedes auditioned for the role of Maria today. I'd never seen her so confident and glamorous. Why can't I ever feel that confident and glamorous?

Speaking of confident, Brittany did a flash mob dance in the gym today. 'Girls Run the World. She is amazing and I felt liberated, so much so that I couldn't help but be drawn into the power of her dancing and join her for a little grooving. Hard to dance in a pencil skirt. She is running for senior class president. I hope she wins.

Lunch time: Sitting with Shannon debating over Mercedes or Rachel for Maria? Will arrived. I noticed the look of love in his eyes as he watched me talking (it still makes my heart skip a beat), 'Mercedes' performance was so truthful, she had a new maturity and confidence.' I looked at Will, 'I think our little girl is all grown up.' Will said he's been pushing her pretty hard in booty camp. 'Good for Mercedes but very hard for us', I said. We laughed. Rachel is Maria, Mercedes might be the riskier choice but she also may be the more exciting one. As Shannon says it's too close to call. We have to have a sing off. Will suggested we choose the same song for both of them to sing so we can directly compare them.

Mike came in to audition for Riff. I was a little surprised that he was comfortable enough to sing. I guess once you embrace your weakness you can work on improving it. Will has taught me that and he's done wonders with those kids. Mike's dancing is so exciting to watch. I haven't seen Will dance in a while – not without me in his arms anyway. I love watching him dance – mmm, so seductive, so expressive, so in control.

Dear Diary,

I have to admit I was a little nervous this morning. Today was sing off day between Rachel and Mercedes. With two divas, anything could happen and it had the potential to get ugly. I hate confrontation. I wore pink – hoping they'd feel the love. I guess my clothing choice paid off – there were no diva tantrums.

Dear Diary,

I got home late after rehearsals and saw that Will had set the table for dinner and was lighting a candle. I couldn't stop smiling. Just the thought of our dinner dates: exposing myself to his love of food, experiencing the same flavours, holding his hand across the table and staring into his eyes, got me through the day sometimes. 'Are we having a romantic dinner? I asked.

'Sort of.'

Then I heard my mother's voice and I felt the blood drain from my veins: 'Is that my little f….

I can't say it. It makes me feel sick. Deep breath Emma. Be like Mike and embrace what makes you weak. 'Is that my little freaky deaky?' she said.

All my life she's called me that. I hate it hate it HATE it. My heart started beating faster, my hands went all sweaty. I wanted to run. I started moving. There was nowhere to go. I couldn't leave Will alone with them. Why would he do this? I should have known he wouldn't let the idea go. He's so determined. I mean, he never let me go even when I married Carl. Thank God he didn't but there are some things that are ok to hold on to and some things that aren't. I grabbed the bottle of wine Will had opened, quickly poured a glass and swallowed it down. Will looked perplexed.

'Maybe we can get them to leave. I can pretend an ovarian cyst has burst. It works every time.'

'Emma, what's going on?' Are you ashamed of me?'

Why would I ever be ashamed of him? Upon reflection, I must have made him feel insecure, by not wanting him to meet my parents.

'No, I'm ashamed of them!'

'Why?'

'My parents are Ginger Supremacists.'

He looked totally baffled.

'We're ginger preservationists', my father explained to Will over dinner.

Oh God, please let him stop talking, I prayed. Mom explained how she likes to spend time at the Red Oaks club– the club only for gingers, where she likes to let her auburn hair down. Will laughed hesitantly. If only they were joking. Dad said gingers would be extinct as a species in thirty years.

I interjected, ' Red heads are not a separate species.' They ignored me as usual. Then they wanted to know about Will's heritage and started critiquing Will's hair. No don't taint him. Don't touch him with your words and your prejudice. Everything I've ever liked you've driven away from me. I guess in hindsight it was why I introduced Carl to them…I wanted him to leave me. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow them. Why don't they move to an earthquake area? Why not San Fransisco? Or Scotland, not an earthquake region but isn't it the genetic birthplace of redheads? They may find their own kind there and leave me alone once and for all. They always make me feel like an insecure little girl. I felt the urge to start straightening things. Was that a smudge on my knife? Mom noticed me rubbing the knife. Then shame upon shame they told Will how they used to tie my thumbs together when I was a kid to stop me cleaning and I'd chew right through the twine. They made me sound like I was an animal or a lunatic. I felt humiliated. They told him I was a complete freak. They told him not to bother trying to stop me when I get an attack of the 'cleanies' as they call it and they don't know where I got it. I looked straight at mom. She knows she perpetuated the mess of my mind. Every time we went out, she'd wipe the glasses and cutlery. Told me we couldn't be too careful of other people's germs, especially if they weren't red heads.

I feel ashamed even writing this.

Then Will threw down his cutlery in anger and told them they were being racist.

He said, 'All I know is that if Emma and I were blessed enough to have a child I wouldn't care what he or she looked like. And you know what? If my child had OCD I'd show her a little more compassion instead of calling her a name that makes her feel like a freak.'

There was an uncomfortable silence and then they just changed the subject. He said to my parents what I've wanted to say to them all these years. I clasped Will's hand. In each other's eyes we found pity, remorse, understanding.

Dear Diary,

We had to give Mercedes and Rachel our decision. Shannon said it was the hardest decision she's had to make in her life which included having to sell one of her two donkeys! Where do you even keep donkey's living in a city? I thought wow, you haven't had to make many hard decisions in your life. The decision to marry Ken wasn't easy. The decision to ignore my feelings for Will wasn't easy. The decision to confront my OCD wasn't easy either. We told them they would be sharing the role of Maria. Rachel accepted the decision with grace and maturity and said It would be a pleasure to share the stage with Mercedes. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then Mercedes wanted to know why everyone was always tiptoeing around Rachel's feelings because we all know she sang better in the audition than Rachel. But Rachel looks like a Maria. I didn't want to mention that. None of us knew what to say. Then she walked out saying Rachel could have the part, she didn't want it. All that deliberation and now she doesn't want the part. Actors – so fickle.

Dear Diary,

I sat on the bed rubbing my hands and doing my counting. Will walked in. Son of a biscuit, I lost count. I started again.

'I'm so sorry Emma, I should have believed you when you said you didn't want me to meet your parents. I didn't get it.'

I couldn't lose count again.

'Emma stop, please.' He wrapped my hands in his.

'Come on,' he urged, 'let's go to bed.'

I went to my knees.

'What are you doing?'

'I do it all the time in my head but right now it's just not enough. When I need help I know God hears me better on my knees, something about the acoustics of the linoleum or something.'

He rested his hand on my shoulder. 'I wish I could make things better for you, I just don't know how.'

He knelt beside me.

'I have no clue what I'm doing down here, but I'm willing to learn.'

He didn't make fun of me, he didn't say, stop being stupid. I looked at him in wonder. How can he love this 'ugly' in me?

I kissed his arm; arms that keep me grounded; arms that keep me close; arms that are strong when I feel so weak. I closed my eyes feeling him there beside me. Tears silently began streaming down my face. He held my hands and stroked my hair. I started sobbing. I felt naked and debilitated and bereft of all dignity. 'I thought I was getting better.' I bent my head to my knees. Will rubbed my back then eventually coaxed me up, he made me get into bed and he got in next to me and wrapped his arms around me. 'I try so hard.'

'I know you do sweetheart.'

'I want to be better for you…for us.' I clung to his chest. Now he knows. Now he knows the real me. The me that I never wanted him to see; and still, he's holding on.

Dear Diary,

There are days when I wake up thinking it's all too hard. Today was one of those days.

I didn't want to see anyone. Will made our lunches because I kept going back to the bathroom to wash my hands. After twenty minutes he came into the bathroom and turned off the tap, handed me a towel then helped me into my coat and guided me out to the car. I wanted to go back inside to check I'd turned the lights off, but he said he had checked and they were off. I ran back inside anyway. At work I sat in my office cleaning the phone with my toothbrush. Artie put up the final cast for WSS.

Dear Diary,

Today Will came into my office and took me to the auditorium, he said he and the kids have been working on a song he wanted me to hear. He said, 'The kids have their own interpretation of the song, but I think you'll share mine.' Will took centre stage and lead vocal and sang 'Fix You'.

I cried.


	6. Chapter 6

Pot of Gold

'_**Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.' Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars, 1939.**_

Dear Diary,

Figgins wants to cut the school musical! He can't just cut the musical. Sue's pompom budget is $4000. Our budget is half that. I'm making half the costumes myself and Shannon has been welding the set together. Will said he would speak to Figgins. I don't have the energy to confront him right now. My parents' visit has made me relapse. I got up at 5am this morning to wash the kitchen floor and vacuum before work. All Will said was 'I hate waking up without you beside me.' I was late leaving for work because I couldn't stop washing my hands. Then I had to go back inside and throw the mop in the bin. I didn't want it sitting in the house all day spreading its germs. Will can only see the compulsions, he can't hear the obsessive thoughts running through my head. Thoughts that won't leave me alone. Exposure is terrifying me again. Will suggested he could come to my next therapy session with me, if I wanted – he said, 'We can multiply your strength by the power of two.' I said 'Thank you, but let me think about it.' Am I ready to be made naked in front of him?

Dear Diary,

Mercedes delivered a harsh blow to Glee Club this week. She joined Shelby's choir. I don't know what happened to Mercedes over the summer, but she's returned to school with an attitude problem.

Will really has become a man of action. He refused to let WSS be stopped. He initially got the kids brainstorming and raising money for it until he bumped into Burt Hummel who solved the problem by asking three funeral parlour directors to support the school musical. I guess Ohio, must have an ageing population to warrant three funeral parlours. The play is back on. Will asked me if I thought Burt would be interested in running against Sue. I said, 'Well, he is a man of the people. There's only one way to find out. Ask him.'

Dear Diary,

Good news and bad news. The good news is Burt really wants to run. He said, Will's Glee club saved Kurt's life and he has total belief in the arts and is against everything Sue says. Will said he wants to be Burt's campaign manager. I said, 'Go for it and if Burt wants to fix your muffler, say no…. it's your signature piece.'

The bad news is Brittany and Santana have left Glee Club. They've formed a group called The Troubletones. Will said they're big trouble for New Directions: Sex appeal, voices, dancing. What is wrong with these kids? Can't they see how devoted Will is to them? Rory, an Irish exchange student has joined the club. At the rate the girls are departing Glee Club, maybe Will will end up with an all male choir. Will said he thinks Britney believes Rory is a leprechaun.

I said, 'Are you sure she and Santana aren't messing with him?'

'Emma, she believes in Santa Claus.'

I nodded. 'You know, maybe Britney's way of escaping reality is to believe in make- believe creatures or people.'

'Isn't that a bit childish?'

'Think about it Will. We all need an escape from reality sometimes, when life or people get too much to cope with. Maybe for some it's alcohol or drugs, for others it's dancing, or fictional worlds on TV or in movies, or in books. '

Will looked pensive and nodded. 'You're right. Last year when I thought I'd lost you….I drank too much. What about you? What's your escape?'

'My escape, from my OCD, from the time I was little, has always been Disney animations.'

'Because they depict a perfect world?'

'Yes. And romantic – OCD is very unromantic'

Will drew me to him. ' A world in which Cinderella gets her prince.'

I smiled. 'Yes. And lives happily ever after.'

'You make me feel like your knight in shining armour.'

'Hmm, handsome, charming, strong…you fit the requirements.'

'I don't have a horse….'

'You have a car…'

We kissed.

'You know there are days I wake up thinking it's too hard but then I see you lying beside me. My motivation is you, creating a life with you. Will you come to my next therapy session?'

'I thought you'd never ask.'

'Thank you.'


	7. Chapter 7

The first time

**'A hundred hearts would be too few, to carry all my love for you.' Author Unknown**

Dear Diary,

For the first time, Will came to a therapy session with me. Dr Shane was so calming and despite the embarrassing and confronting scenarios she put before us, I didn't freak out. She said Will was doing the right thing not accommodating my OCD and he must continue to stand strong even though it causes him pain seeing me suffer; we don't want it to become a family member. She showed us exposure and response prevention techniques that have shown a 70% reduction in others' obsessions and compulsions. We talked about the situations that trigger obsessive thoughts and anxiety, patterns of avoidance behavior, and patterns of compulsive rituals and she came up with a strategy. The next day, Will got to put our newly learned strategy into practice:

As soon as I put the phone down from my mother, I went to unload the dishwasher but quickly banged the door shut and leant against it. Will watched me.

'Speak to me Emma. What is it you're seeing?

I went to put my gloves on, but Will quickly stepped in between me and the gloves and clasped my hands.

'Sweetheart, your mind is playing tricks, verbalise it.

I shook my head.

'You can do it.'

I took a breath and said, 'I can see germs…black spots all over the dishes….they're everywhere.' I frowned. 'I know it's not possible.'

'You know they've been washed in impossibly hot water and super-strength detergent – you put it in yourself. Will opened the dishwasher and picked out a plate. He ran his hands over it. Then put his hands over his face. I cringed.

'You know what you have to do.'

'I stared at the plate.'

'What's your anxiety level?'

'Ten.' I replied.

'Hold the plate Emma. Show the fear who's boss.'

'I don't want to.'

'Emma you're the strongest person I know.'

God, why was it so hard? I took the plate with reluctance and held it. I tentatively rubbed my free hand over it.

'Now the other hand. Keep holding it while I unpack the dishwasher.'

After a few minutes Will asked me what my anxiety level was.

'Five,' I replied.

'Good.' He walked over to me and ran his hands over my face. 'Your turn.'

I put my hands to my cheeks.

'What is it now?'

'Less…four, three.'

Will guided the plate to his face and he licked it. 'Your turn.'

'No, I can't.'

'Emma, you're stronger and smarter than fear.'

I looked into his compassionate but determined eyes and knew he wouldn't back down.

I gave the plate a quick lick.

'And again.'

'I licked it again.'

I felt my anxiety lowering.

'I'm at a 2.' He smiled and hugged me.

'Honey, you're beating it. We're like an OCD Resistance team.'

I looked at him and blurted out, 'I'm sorry you had to meet my parents.'

'You know I had to meet them eventually?'

I nodded.

'But something good has come out of it.'

I looked at him questioningly?

I feel like I'm finally seeing your very core. Nothing more to hide…I've seen what's made you you. And I love you even more.

Dear Diary,

Artie told me thanks to Will he's found his true passion – bossing everyone around! The most embarrassing thing happened today at rehearsal. Rachel and Blaine were singing 'Tonight' which moved Shannon to tears but all I noticed was their teeth. Then Artie told them that the entire show was about sexual awakening, their performance lacked passion and he didn't believe their performance was believable enough. He asked them about s-e-x. I didn't even bother making up an excuse, I just got up and walked out. So did Shannon. There is no way I'm broaching that subject with the kids. It's totally inappropriate. I have only just learnt to talk about it with Will.

Dear Diary,

Show time. I was so nervous. There are just so many things that can go wrong with a live performance – wardrobe malfunction, lighting issue, sound, orchestra, timing, backstage, props, technical faults, actors forgetting their lines, but this was Artie's baby and I had to keep him calm. I took my seat next to Will and he took my hand and reassured me it was the best school production McKinley has ever put on. I said Artie took some artistic risks like making the Jets new migrants in America. I just hoped people would go with it. And they did. There was such a feeling of euphoria at the end. When we got home Will and I sat up for hours snuggled together talking about it. I said, 'I noticed that 'One Hand One Heart' moved you to tears.' He wove his fingers through mine, 'It moved you to rest your head on my shoulder.'

I smiled.

'Feel like practising some 'exposure'?' Will asked.

I nodded and turned my lips to his.


	8. Chapter 8

Mash up

'**The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.' ****George Moore**

Dear Diary,

Last night we were just about to turn off the TV and get into bed when Sue came onto the screen. Will moved towards the TV while I stayed on the bed, eyes moving between Sue and Will's butt. Why are curves so aesthetically pleasing to the eye? Sue was spouting some preposterous notion that Burt has a baboon heart. It was amusing but Will was infuriated at such lies and dirty tactics. I moved next to him and told him to breathe deeply. 'You have to play nice because if you win by playing dirty it's not really winning, that's what we teach our students.' I took his face in my hands and pulled his forehead to mine. 'Right?' Will just groaned in surrender. Resistance was futile. We fell on to the bed.

Will's worried things might get ugly between the Troubletones and ND. I sense it too. I mean it doesn't take much to rouse the anger and animosity in Santana and Mercedes' diva attitude is never far from the surface. Will and Shelby have decided to do a mash up to show the kids that unlikely songs (like themselves) can go together. Then they're going to introduce the first McKinley High Mash Off.

'It's a great idea.' I started clearing the dishes. Will came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Kissing my neck he said, 'You don't sound as convinced about the idea as I do.'

I turned to face him. 'I…I just feel jealous.'

He looked at me in bemusement. 'Really?'

'Yes! I wish I could sing with you.'

'We sing together all the time, we're always singing bits and pieces of songs at home.'

'I guess I mean perform…I can't sing those jaw dropping notes like Mercedes, or pierce someone's heart with a single note like Rachel.'

Will clasped my shoulders, 'Emma, as Rachel would tell you, she and Mercedes have trained their voices from the womb! Your sweet voice is music to my ears…in the morning (Will started planting kisses along my neck), in the afternoon, (he moved to my face) and in the evening (he reached my lips).

I laughed. 'I'm sorry for being jealous and not more enthusiastic. I do think your mash off is a terrific idea for the kids. I kissed him and went back to clearing the dishes off the table.

'You know what?' Will said.

I shook my head.

'I'm going to choose two songs to mash up about you and I so even though I'll be singing with Shelby, it's you I'll be singing about.'

Dear Diary,

We had the senior student presidential debate. I couldn't go…I had a careers guidance professional development seminar to attend, then I met Will after school and we went to the therapist for another session. On the way there in the car Will was telling me about Brittany's speech:

'Brittany talked about protecting the students from tornados and she promises to go topless on Tuesdays!' We laughed.

'Like Figgins will allow that! However, I think I understand what she's saying.'

Will looked at me questioningly. 'Few people do.'

'Despite Brittany portraying an air of complete innocence and non compos mentis, she is emotionally intelligent. She knows she can't really change anything and the school population is so diverse that she'll never please everyone. Our politicians have taught us that promises are meaningless so it doesn't really matter what you promise. Being kept safe from a tornado, in some people's eyes is as good a promise as any. It's what she appealed to that was clever - two basic human instincts – fear and reward.

'Ha, I never thought of it like that.'

'I don't think she's as unintelligent as the others like to think she is. I mean Santana is really smart, she wouldn't spend her time with someone who didn't stimulate her mentally.'

'She loves Brittany,' Will replied, 'she just won't admit it publicly.'

'They're protective of each other. Underneath Santana's confident, scathing and scornful exterior is a vulnerable young woman who perhaps only Brittany is allowed to see.' I added, 'Santana needs to find the courage to be who she wants to be or she'll never be happy.' We got out of the car and I took Will's hand, 'She needs some tough love to push her forward.'

Will smiled and gave me a kiss. We walked in.

Dear Diary,

Sue's slanderous ways have come back to slap her and Santana in the face. Someone has made an anti-Sue advertisement suggesting that Sue and Santana are both lesbians. Not that there is anything wrong with that and no one should care this day and age, but for Santana, who is still coming to terms with her sexual orientation, it was distressing. Will, Burt and Sue were with Santana in Figgin's office today when they showed her the ad. Santana ran off, saying she hadn't even told her parents. She turned up to the Troubletones' mash off but at the end of it Santana stepped off the stage and slapped Finn. She believes it's all Finn's fault because he said in the corridor where everyone could hear, that she was just afraid to be honest about her feelings towards Brittany. Finn has a point, but in hindsight he should have said it to her in private, not that Santana ever voices her opinions about everyone in private. No one thinks clearly when they're angry, least of all teenagers. Unfortunately Santana is reaping the culmination of recent events and one of the major seed growers was Sue. This is partly Sue's fault… If you throw stones you're likely to get boulders thrown back at you. Maybe Sue can handle boulders but Santana can't.


	9. Chapter 9

I kissed a girl

Will left a note on my desk today:

'_Figgins asked me to sub for a missing English teacher. They were studying Hamlet. This quote is for you._

_"**Doubt the stars are fire, Doubt the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar but never doubt thy love."**_

_**Hamlet, Act II, Scene II**_

_Will XX_

Dear Diary,

Will came to my office to talk about Santana. There has to be some repercussion for hitting Finn. Violence is not the solution. If we let her off, it sets up a precedent and we can't have all the kids going around hitting each other. Shelby and Will and Finn and Santana went to Figgins to fight it out. Santana said her evil twin 'Snicks' hit Finn and she can't be held responsible for what she does. She and Brittany really are a pair. I think I know what she means. Sometimes we just don't think clearly as we're held hostage by our own fears or narcissism or some other side of us that rears its ugly head and when all is said and done, we can't quite believe it's us and our own doing. On top of that kids have a tendency to talk themselves into believing they didn't do it. Then Finn said that Santana didn't hit him. It was a stage slap! Will was flabbergasted.

Will said he admires Finn's maturity in handling Santana's barbs and endless verbal assaults. The Glee club is really trying to support Santana and help her embrace herself. Until she does face her anxiety, it will forever control her. I should know!

Dear Diary,

Shannon joined Will and I at the lunch table today. She was noisily devouring a turduckin. How one person can eat that much meat in one sitting is staggering and cave-man like at the same time. She said she's trying to keep her strength up. She looks llke she has plenty of strength to me due to her role as student election advisor and her dating Mr Menkin. Will offered her our assistance and of course we're happy to help her count the election ballots.

Then to my absolute discomfort Bieste began to tell us how her quadriceps have been trembling all day after last night with Cooter, I tried to steer the conversation to a more formal platform by calling him Mr Menkin but Will and I couldn't help but look at each other in embarrassment. When she said she did something she'd never imagine she'd do, I didn't know where to look, but it turned out it was all about weight lifting. Phew, what a relief. She said Cooter Menkin is the only one for her. I know that feeling. Will is the only one for me. She said they share a connection. Will and I are so connected, we just need to look at each other to know what the other is thinking.

Dear Diary,

Election Day. We arrived in the school gym to give Shannon our support. She looked miserable. Sue is back to her sneaky ways. Kissing Cooter in front of her. Oh I know how low Sue will go, it's all just a big campaign strategy to her. I don't really understand what happened between Shannon and Cooter. She really has to tell him how she feels. LOL, there is some irony in me telling Shannon to go tell Cooter how she feels …it took me two years to be able to tell Will how I feel. Thank God I did. I can't imagine living without him now.

Dear Diary,

It seems word has spread about Santana's sexuality. I noticed a boy attacking Santana in the corridor today and was about to intervene when the Glee girls intervened for me. It was so refreshing to see them all sticking up for each other rather than competing against each other. They all started singing 'I Kissed A Girl and I liked it'. I'm not sure they really bothered to interpret anymore of the lyrics than the chorus because the song is more about experimenting than being a lesbian but their intention was meant to be a show of sisterly solidarity. I really think Santana is going to be ok. Will said she's told her parents and they're totally fine with it. I can imagine what mine would have said, 'You're even more of a freak than you are already.' On the other hand maybe they wouldn't have minded if she'd been a redhead.

Dear Diary,

Victory for Santana followed by disaster for Rachel. She rigged the votes for Kurt. Stupid, stupid girl. Will and I were counting all of the votes and we had more votes than students in the school! She owned up to it this afternoon. She's been suspended for a week and has been banned from competing at sectionals. Can ND win without Rachel, Santana, Mercedes and Brittany? These kids give Will constant heartache.

I 'kissed' Quinn today with an idea. I was looking at her straight A academic results and thought even with all the emotional trauma she's been through, she's still managed to stay stop of the class. An Ivy League university is where she should apply. So I called her into my office and pulled out my Yale brochures (which doesn't happen very often), we had a chat and looked at their website for a course that she might possibly be interested in doing. She's keen. I've got my fingers crossed for her. It's not often I have a chance to pull out Yale's brochures for students.

Speaking of kissing a girl. Will asked me if I would make his favourite salmon dish for dinner tonight.

'Sure,' I said.

'Great, I'll organise dessert. I want to try an experiment. He had peeked my curiosity but he refused to explain any further.

As we consumed the last mouthful of the salmon that evening, he looked at me and smiled. 'You know that's the meal you made the day you fled this apartment after Terri's arrival and I arrived home to find a ghost had prepared me dinner. I couldn't eat salmon for a long time after that.'

'Why not?'

'I tried, but I discovered that every time I sat down to eat it, I was reminded of you not being there. I didn't smell the salmon, I smelled your perfume that lingered in my apartment that night. I smelled your perfume for a long time afterwards, or I imagined I did. Trying to capture the elusive you, I guess. That scent was like a metaphor – you had seeped into me but I couldn't touch you. Then the day you told me you'd married Carl…I went to the pub to drown my sorrows. After I don't know how many beers, I looked at the specials board and on it was written 'salmon' and what else I can't remember. I went to the toilet and threw up. I've never eaten salmon since.'

I looked at him and gave a slight shake of my head. 'Most likely it was the alcohol that made you sick.'

He then leant forward conspiratorially, 'But I have a theory, I think if we can replace enough pleasurable associations with the food to wipe out the bad then we can eat it again.'

'Is that so.' I replied with a smile.

Will went to the fridge and pulled out fresh strawberries for dessert. Then got some chocolate icecream out of the freezer and two spoons out of the drawer. He sat down beside me. 'Do you want to help me test my theory?'

'Will, I've only just got used to seeing dairy in the fridge without having heart palpitations.'

'You can take it the next step Emma, I have complete faith in you. Remember what Dr Shane told you, it's your mind playing tricks on you, don't let it bully you.'

'There's no nutritional value in icecream.'

'You don't have to eat it. Let's try and give you pleasurable memories associated with dairy products to wipe out the traumatic one your brother gave you.'

'Will lots of people don't eat dairy.'

'I know. But make it your choice, not your fear's choice.

He gently took my finger and dipped it into the tub. I involuntarily cringed and shut my eyes for a second but opened them again to his steady hazel-eyed gaze.

'Ten seconds.' He said. Then he put his mouth around my finger and sucked the ice cream off. I watched him repeat the process. I was mesmerised by his mouth. I traced my finger across his lips.

'Another new world record?'

I nodded and leant towards him. A kiss has never tasted so good.


	10. Chapter 10

Hold on to Sixteen

'_**I learned the real meaning of love. Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people, you can set your watch by them. And that's love, even if it doesn't seem very exciting.' Sylvester Stallone**_

Dear Diary,

Will has spent hours on the internet going through songs and now he's rifling through songbooks.

'How do you choose?' I asked.

'Rachel tells me what she wants to sing, the other kids offer suggestions, they have to be stirring, have a degree of theatricality to them, be upbeat, be capable of an interesting choral arrangement, but most importantly they have to reflect how I feel about you.'

'Me?'

'Yep. Remember that time when Rachel had a crush on me and you suggested that I use music to give her the message that it had to stop?'

'Mmm, you were totally crush worthy singing 'Young Girl/Don't Stand So Close to Me.'

'And as I looked at you and sang 'Frustration, temptation, so bad it makes him cry', I realized I was also telling you how I felt and you realized that too. And so, since circumstances haven't always allowed me to tell you how I feel, I've used music. New Directions' performances have been a recording of my journey to you, our soundtrack if you like.'

I didn't know what to say. It was like the time he told me he couldn't throw away his vest because it was what he was wearing the first time he met me.

'And we've won every time! I shouldn't have let the kids write their own songs for Nationals. You see, I can't win without you.'

'Will, you've won because of the kids talents and your direction of them and all the hard work you and the kids put in.'

'Yes, but every other choir has talent, maybe more, and they work just as hard. The key ingredient, the X factor, the magic, is YOU!'

While Will was deciding on songs Finn and Rachel drove all the way to Kentucky to get Sam back. Unlike Will they realized they needed a more tangible winning element. I admire their commitment and their action.

Dear Diary,

Sectionals. We didn't' have to travel anywhere, they held it at McKinley. I sat beside Will. He was nervous. So was I. We were both a little stunned by the first choir's performance. Their lead singer reminded us of Rachel. Poor Rachel, it must have been agony for her watching the others perform without her. I noticed her disappear for a minute or two just before the Troubletones came on, but then she was back and when it was New Directions' turn she sat beside me singing every word to every song under her breath. That child was born to perform.

They won! Rachel and I jumped up in excitement and relief. We couldn't stop clapping and smiling. When Will accepted the trophy he looked straight at me and mouthed the words 'All for you' and sealed it with a kiss. My whole being was flooded with happiness, adoration and pride. I felt weak and light and strong all at the same time standing there watching him.

That evening I opened a bottle of champagne, poured us each a glass and curled up next to him on the couch.

'I am so proud of you Will.'

'We promised each other we would work really hard to make up for the mistakes we made last year. I'm keeping that promise. Still, I can't believe we did it!' Every one of them shone didn't they?'

'Brilliantly.'

'The Troubletones were good too.'

'Absolutely, but like the judges said, you integrated all of their voices into the performance instead of just relying on the strongest voices. I guess show choir is about individuals becoming one entity.'

'I can't wait to become one entity with you.' He ran his hand up my leg, resting it on my hip and left a lingering kiss on my lips. I wanted more but he was asking me something.

'Tell me what you thought of the songs?'

'Ok. Well, 'ABC' is all about how easy love is if you're with the right person.'

Will started singing: 'You went to school to learn girl, things you never ever knew before…now I'm going to teach you all about love dear…' He leant his forehead on mine.

'You're an excellent teacher.' I kissed him then leant back against his chest. He folded his arms around me and I played with his hands. 'Ok, the second song: I loved the way you opened 'Control' with Quinn's husky, seductive and slightly ominous tone. The line that jumped out at me was 'Did what my father said, and let my mother mold me.' He kissed my hair. And 'First time I fell in love, I didn't know what hit me, so young and so naive, I thought it would be easy.' That's how I was when I first met you. 'Now I know I got to take control, now I'm all grown up, I wanna be the one in control'. I turned my head to look at him. It's about my OCD right?' He nodded. 'How did you get inside my mind?'

'I listen. Remember that day on the stairs and you propositioned me?'

'Will, I'm still embarrassed about that.'

'You shouldn't be, it was flattering. You said you wanted to take control of your body.'

'Do you remember everything I say?' I queried.

He smiled. 'It's what you do when you love someone. Now, 'Man in the Mirror.'

'Right, ostensibly about social change, but in relation to you and I…we've changed ourselves to make our own world together better…possible?'

'You are so much more than a pretty face.'

'You're amazing Will. Your own love letters to me hidden in songs delivered by children!

'They have their own interpretations, that's the beauty of a well written song, it can take on various meanings depending on your own life experience. It kind of blows my mind sometimes to think that someone's life experience is written down and sent out across the world and every pair of ears who hear it take it into their own world and give it a meaning of their own.'

'But you also managed to make the songs meaningful for Mike and Quinn and all of the kids while keeping them upbeat and sounding fresh.'

'Yeah, well, Brad is really the genius behind the musical arrangements. I just tell him what I envisage and he organizes the musicians and the music.' He never fails to deliver.

'Will, those kids have no idea how lucky they are.'

No, I'm the lucky one. Sometimes people come into your life and help you be the best you can be.


	11. Chapter 11

Extraordinary Merry Christmas

'_**When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.' Natalie Clifford Barney **_

I heard the Glee Club singing '…it's an extraordinary merry Christmas' and thought, yes it is! The kids have been asked to perform a Christmas Special on Lima's PBS which they're ecstatic about and Will and I are having our first Christmas together. No parents. Just us. I _cannot_ wait to give Will his present.

Dear Diary,

I pushed Artie's wheelchair into the Lima homeless shelter, Will's arm around me. It's funny how I don't feel fully dressed without him beside me now. He makes me feel complete. After their own five minutes of fame on TV tonight, the kids wanted to do something charitable for Christmas. So we drove them to the homeless shelter where they kept their promise to Sue and sang and helped out for an hour or so. 'Feed the World' isn't my favourite song, 'Do they know it's Christmas time in Africa…' feels patronizing and full of religious domination, I mean people in Africa would have their own beliefs, but the sentiment was well intentioned and more importantly the kids were exposed to lives less fortunate than their own. It's always a good reality check. I sat down next to Will at the piano and sang along. I ended up getting right into the song closing my eyes and swaying, feeling the music. I felt all Stevie Wonderish. The kids sang a couple of other songs and I draped my arm around Will and rested my head on his shoulder. I love listening to him play the piano; he has such a sensitive touch.

While I cleaned a child's sticky fingers with my wipes, Will called out my name. I looked up. He had constructed 'I love you' in a child's building blocks.' He is incorrigible!

When we got home, we sat on the couch and looked at our Christmas tree.

'I want to give you my present now'

'No, Will, wait until tomorrow.'

'I can't', he said.

He retrieved a scroll tied with a ribbon and handed it to me. 'Merry Christmas.'

I opened it and my eyes widened. 'Our own Christmas song?'

'I wrote it for you. For us to sing together.'

I read the words. 'I love it, I love it, I love it.' I hugged him. We're going to need my present to you then. I got up and went to the cupboard and pulled out the keyboard I'd been hiding. The look on Will's face: priceless.

We finally sang a song together. In perfect harmony.

Best Christmas ever.

On Christmas Day we had a traditional roast. I made my grandmother's turkey stuffing for Will and he stuffed the turkey. Then we prepared an array of vegetables all evenly cut and threw them in a roasting pan. The house smelled divine. I managed a little ice cream with my Christmas pudding. Slowly, slowly, my obsessions are diminishing. Maybe they'll always be there but I'm not as fixated. Perhaps Will is right, the more good memories we associate with food, the more the bad memories we had with them will fade.

After lunch we sat on the couch and watched an old Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers classic, 'Swing Time'– for it's four dance masterpieces. Will and I sang along to 'The Way You Look Tonight' and then we tried to copy their dance routines. As Will swung and lifted me I had a flashback to dancing with him in the bridal shop and singing 'I Could Have Danced All Night.' My heart gave a leap.

'Will? Let's do a dance like this on our wedding day.

Will looked at me with bemusement. 'We'd have to brush up on our tap dancing...'

'Or in my case, learn it!' I interjected.

'You wouldn't mind getting hot and sweaty?'

'I'll have the air con turned up.'

Will laughed. He scooped me into his arms and sat down on the couch with me on his lap and kissed me. 'Anything you want.'


	12. Chapter 12

Yes/No

"**When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. "**

**_Shakespeare's Hamlet, _Act _II, Scene II._**

Dear Diary,

Every morning when I wake these are the first words I hear in my head:

"Emma, you are the one; You always have been. Truth is, I feel like I've had to stop myself from doing this from the second I first saw you. The first time I held this hand, it felt like I had held it a million times before, like somehow it's always been here. Life is messy, it just is and I know that's hard for you, but that's why you have me, to balance things out. But you have to realize, you do that for me too, everyday. Loving you, and being loved by you makes everything better. I love you with everything I am, and everything I ever hope to be. So, Emma Pillsbury, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Yes! Yes! OH YES! I can't stop smiling and crying! Will wakes up and finds me staring at him with tears in my eyes. He pulls me to him and asks, 'Are you still crying over my proposal? And I nod and tell him they're tears of happiness and kiss him and go to get up but he pulls me back to him and Will says 'it's been a week' and I say but it was SO PERFECT. I say 'Let's not go to work today, let's just lie like this, feeling this perfect, happy feeling forever.' And he says, 'Mmmm. I'd love to but ringing in sick for another week might look a bit suspicious.'

I need the help of poets to express how happy I feel and how much love I have for Will.

So what prompted my man into action? I guess I did. It began the day last week when Shannon told me that she and Cooter had eloped! She was eating two chickens in celebration.

'I don't think Will wants to marry me.' I told her.

'Oh for God's sake Amelia, it's 2012, if you want to marry Will Schuester, ask him!' instructed Sue.

Well, I suppose I could. I have had that song 'Wedding Bell Blues' going on in my head for some time now. it describes how I feel perfectly, there is not one day since we met that I haven't loved Will only but it's not romantic if I have to ask. It's not how it's done in fairytales, but then again in how many fairytales does the princess have OCD? Maybe I should ask? I looked to Shannon for reassurance. She nodded in agreement with Sue, so I turned to look at Will and felt this surge of overwhelming desire to be married to him. I started singing 'Wedding Bell Blues' in my head….so perfect that Bill rhymes with Will, the song could have been written for us! I do hear carousels in his voice, I see the passion he has for me in his eyes, there hasn't been a single day I haven't loved him only. Suddenly I had images of him and I looking like a fairy tale prince and princess upon a giant wedding cake, ending our wedding dance with a monumental kiss to end all kisses. Sue and Shannon were doing back up vocals for me…not sure they're part of my ideal wedding day, but they looked good in blue with a touch of Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie about them. Marry me Will! Unfortunately I believe I sang those last three words out loud to Will and his two companions at the lunch table. All three of them looked at me questioningly.

'Emma, did you just ask me to marry you?'

OMG. So embarrassed. 'NO!' No, no, no, this is not how it's meant to be. Where is the romance in this? In fairytales the prince does the asking. What if he says 'no'. I beat a hasty retreat.

I didn't say any more about it that night and neither did Will, but I did catch him looking at me with a bemused look over dinner. I started singing in my head again, 'Oh my man, I love him so…'

Will didn't say anything about getting married. I couldn't understand it, our communication has been so open and honest with each other, I know he loves me, he knows I love him. Even though I'd denied it, I had told him I was ready to get married and yet…where was his proposal? What had happened to my man of action? Was he getting cold feet? Maybe he needed my feelings to be made more explicit? Diary, if truth be told, I had been ready to marry him from the day I saw him: It was my first day at McKinley and I was just inserting my name into it's holder outside my office door when I heard a voice say 'Welcome to McKinley…Ms Pillsbury', I turned to see the most handsome face I'd ever seen do a double take and smile at me. I smiled back. I've never had my whole body react so physically to anyone. I couldn't tear my eyes away, my insides were doing cartwheels and my knees had suddenly turned to jelly.

My opportunity arose a few days later. I was meticulously cleaning the baubles off the Christmas tree while mulling over Sue's words 'just ask him' when Will walked in. Will commented that I'd been taking down the tree since New Year's Day. I decided to take the plunge and asked him to take a seat.

'You know how we're always talking about moving towards marriage and nothing ever really happens. Well, I mean Sue said I should be all liberated and ask you to marry me (Will laughed. Typical Sue, but that's not in my 'fairytale') but umm, do you want to be with me?…I mean as your wife?

Then….

Oh my heart, my heart. The pain was unbearable. Diary, can you see me through these tears that still fall at the mere memory? How can words cut sharper than knives?

'Of course, I do…'

'But?'

'I love you. You know that. But what if we get married? What happens when we have a house? And a baby. How are you going to handle spit up on your special Wednesday sweater? Sweetheart you can't control another person. What if it's all just too much?'

I was momentarily stumped by his revelation, where was this coming from?

'I..I mean I've been taking my medication. You know some days are great. Some days not so great. But I…I'm, I mean I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing everything…'

'I know you are, I know you are and it's not your fault that you have this disease but sometimes it just seems so hopeless.' (Will closed his eyes as if regretting this last word).

That word hit me like a slap across the face, like an arrow piercing my heart. All this time Will has given me unfailing strength to fight my OCD and now he suddenly tells me he feels it's 'hopeless?' No! This isn't the Will I know. I was taken aback by his revelation but I held it together and I responded with absolute honesty and for once in my life balanced what was in my head and heart.

'Well, ok. Can I promise you that I'm going to get better? No. This is what you get. This, this incomplete person with toothbrushes and rubber gloves and so much love for you but if that's not what you want then you need to be honest with me and yourself. And the sooner the better.' I couldn't stop the tears after that.

I left him sitting at the table. Diary, I am an independent and strong woman but love lives beyond the boundaries of feminist theory and reason. My heart is Will's to break and should he break it, I will NEVER EVER love again.

After a LONG shower, cleaning the faucets with a toothbrush and wiping every drop of water off the bath and basin and mopping and drying the floor twice I came out of the bathroom to find Will sitting on the bed. He took my hand and stared at it.

'You're not incomplete', he said, with tears in his eyes.

I sat down next to him and looked at our joined hands. 'Why? Why so indecisive now, after all this time?'

'After you asked me the other day, to marry you, I realised you were ready and I thought I was ready, so I asked your parents' permission to marry you, I thought you'd want that. They were less than enthusiastic. Your father ….'

'Said, forget about having children and why would you want to inflict my OCD on yourself?'

Will looked at me.

'You need to decide then.' I withdrew my hand and got into bed. Will went to take a shower. When he came to bed, I pretended to be asleep. It didn't stop him from kissing me goodnight and wrapping his arm around me. I slipped my hand over his and allowed a tear to roll silently on to my pillow. I'm not sure either of us slept.

I tried so hard to stay calm. I woke up the next morning feeling miserable. I went straight to the turquoise section of my wardrobe in an attempt to soothe and control my emotions. I hadn't worn turquoise since the day I ended my marriage to Carl. I couldn't bear it. I was doing everything I could to get on top of my OCD. Were my father's words giving Will cold feet after all this time? Or after months of living together, was the reality of my OCD too hard for him to live with? Was this his way of giving me a reality check? Was I ready to face the reality of the next stage in our relationship? Sex, children, messy things? As he said, I won't have any control. I am, I am ready. There are days when I wake up thinking my battle with OCD is all too hard but then I look at Will and think how far I've come and I know have to keep trying. My motivation is him and creating a life with him.

Will and I drove to school, mostly in silence. We were both miserable. I stayed in my office all day, battling the compulsion to clean. I looked at the poster on my wall that was meant to inspire the kids, 'Dreams are achievable'. Not if you have OCD they're not. I ripped it off the wall. It didn't make me feel better. I didn't want to see anyone. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I finally gave in and headed to the teacher's lounge. I went via the choir room. I don't know why. I could hear Rachel belting out 'Without You.' Yep, that song summed up my feelings exactly. I continued to the teacher's lounge and furiously started scrubbing a jug then threw down the toothbrush in frustration; frustration at the control my OCD has over me, frustration at the thought of my OCD being the cause of losing Will; frustration at Will's indecisiveness. Then fear set in. Fear that if I lose him, I will be alone forever because 1. I will never get over this OCD and 2. It will take the remainder of this life and the next to piece my broken heart together. I can't win without him.

I decided I had to be realistic about the situation. So I got some new pamphlets made to help me deal with losing Will: 'So You're a Spinster', 'Dying Alone' and 'Happily Never After'. I was just putting them on display when there was a knock at the door. I didn't want to see anyone. I reluctantly turned around. It was Will. 'Have you got a sec?' He asked me. I looked at him with wariness as he stood there at my office door with his outstretched hand. What did he want? Was this it? Was this him telling me it was over? I looked at his hand. It would lead me to misery or happiness. I took his hand. Neither of us said a word.

As we walked down the corridor, Rihanna's 'We Found Love' could be heard through the intercom and some students and Sue and Shannon were there with white roses which they handed to me as Will lead me past. Were they a peace offering? Was this Will saying 'Sorry.' Or… judging by the look on Shannon's face and Sue's…was this a PROPOSAL? Will's hand kept a firm grasp on mine as he lead me out to the swimming pool. We paused in the entrance and looked around – it was full of kids in red, white and blue1950's style swimsuits. 'This is all for you,' is all he said. Then he lead me to a raised chair by the pool and said, 'Don't move, I'll be back.'

The next thing I knew, the song I'd heard in the school building came back on and Rachel and Santana were singing to me and the other Glee kids were jumping in the pool – even Artie and his wheelchair went in! They were all synchronized and it was like something out of an Ethel Merman movie and then Will appeared in top hat and tails, like a white knight, walking on water! He dove into the water and lifted himself out at my feet. Then he proposed. The most perfect speech, the symbolism of his diving into the water, the disinfecting smell of chlorine – how could I say no? I was lost for words. All I could manage was 'I love you so much' and 'yes, yes, yes!' Before I burst into tears, overwhelmed with relief, surprise and HAPPINESS.

We talked and talked about his proposal that night. I said, 'White roses, white tuxedo, water, music, the effort, the element of surprise, the romance of it all – it could not have been any more thoughtful in it's desire to be perfect for ME! It was clean, pure, romantic. Like all handsome princes, you ensured my dream came true and you topped it off with your perfectly articulated feelings for me and the revelation of the impact I've had on you since day one.'

'It had to be perfect for you.'

'It was.'

'Did you like 'We found Love'?

'Yes, yes!'

'I know you like older songs, but I thought the lyrics summed us up; we were kind of in a hopeless place and now we stand side by side, equal partners.

'I loved it, loved it!'

'How did you get the kids on board?'

'It wasn't hard, the girls love romance and the boys like a challenge. Their mission for the week was to come up with a proposal idea. The girls wanted, (Will started singing) 'The first time, ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave…' The boys wanted 'Moves Like Jagger' (Will started doing his sexy dance moves around me) but I thought, getting all hot and sweaty in a dance number might trigger the wrong response. Then Rachel delivered 'Without You' which summed up exactly how I've felt this week, 'paralysed without you' but I wanted a song that was more celebratory than overwrought, as Artie described it. Finally Sam came up to me and told me about the synchronized swimming team he's joined and how we could do a swimming dance number. I said, 'Like an Esther Williams movie.' He said, 'I have no idea what they are, but yeah.' I said, Ms Pillsbury likes retro clothing, could you wear retro swimsuits?' 'Sure, I'll ask Kurt and Mercedes to help me find some.' Then I asked him if there was a routine we could use, that the Glee kids could fit into without too much practise? Can we have it ready by tomorrow afternoon, or the next day, tops? He said, 'Sure, as long as the pool is free.' We couldn't wait a week. I could see the agony you were in and I felt terrible suspending my proposal. I heard 'We Found Love' on the radio on the drive home a couple of week's back and it made me think of us….and well, you know the rest.'

'I can't believe you persuaded Sue to be involved.'

'She's a surprising woman.'

I drew his face to mine. Thank you. It was perfect.


	13. Chapter 13

**Michael Jackson**

Dear Diary,

I have found a poem, by Elizabeth Barrett Browning who expresses my love for Will:

_**How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.**_

_**I love thee to the depth and breadth and height**_

_**My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight**_

_**For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.**_

_**I love thee to the level of everyday's**_

_**Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.**_

_**I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;**_

_**I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.**_

_**I love thee with a passion put to use**_

_**In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.**_

_**I love thee with a love I seemed to lose**_

_**With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,**_

_**Smiles, tears, of all my life - **_

There was another line about death because she had ill health most of her life. I don't want to think about death so I didn't add that in. I left the poem on Will's desk today.

Dear Diary,

Mercedes told Will today that The Troubletones are enjoying being back in New Directions but they're disappointed they missed out on singing Michael Jackson so Will's considering using MJ again for Regionals. In the meantime, he wants to get the kids in the right mindset to win. So since MJ was a man…mmm, a man-child…a person, who successfully defied his critics, Will is giving them a 'What Would Michael Jackson Do? Week'.

Dear Diary,

Bad News Day. Blaine was slushied by Sebastion from The Warblers and his eye has been damaged. Something besides ice and food coloring was in that slushie. The kids want revenge, but Will has zero tolerance for violence. Rightly so, Puck's already done time in juvie and the last thing he needs is another crime added to his three files. If the Glee kids get into any trouble it will ruin their chances of going to Regionals let alone Nationals. When Will told them to let the 'system' take care of The Warblers, Artie went became furious and then went into a sort of trance. Will said it was weird, like his mind was completely elsewhere. I said, maybe he was imagining himself out of his wheelchair standing up to The Warblers. Sometimes I have very realistic imaginings like that. Will kissed me, 'Mmm, like the time you helped me with Toucha Toucha Touch Me?' 'Something like that.' I winked.

Dear Diary,

Good News Day.

Quinn has been accepted into Yale! Will said all the kids congratulated her at rehearsal today, except Rachel, she just sat there. Will's a bit worried about her. She hasn't been herself lately, quite subdued, we know she's got her sights set on NYADA, but she hasn't heard anything. Kurt however received his NYADA finalist letter today. He and his dad are over the moon. Burt spoke to Will about it and how grateful he is to Will for giving Kurt a place in McKinley where he could be himself and express his talents. It's what Will does best – he inspires and helps people see what's inside themselves. It's a great gift.

Dear Diary,

I slipped the note Will had left me, under some papers as Rachel came running into the office to show me her NYADA finalist letter. She's beside herself with happiness and thanked me for telling her about NYADA in the first place. After her whirlwind entry and departure I withdrew the note and read:

'Your poem, like your eyes makes me feel loved beyond comprehension. WWMJD? He'd say, 'I just can't stop loving you' because each time the wind blows I hear your voice so I call your name. Whispers in morning, our love is dawning, heaven's glad you came. You know how I feel, this thing can't go wrong, I'm so proud to say I love you. Your love's got me high, I long to get by, this time's forever, love is the answer.' XX Will


	14. Chapter 14

**The Spanish Teacher**

'_**Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds'. William Shakespeare, "Sonnet CXVI" **_

Dear Diary,

This week was a tough week for Will; his ego can be his Achilles' heal, as I learnt from his response to me dating Carl. He doesn't cope well when its put under threat and this week one of the kids complained about his Spanish class (admittedly, 'La Cucaracha' wasn't one of his most inspired song choices), but as I said to Will when he came home all deflated and disgruntled, one bad lesson does not make you a bad teacher.

'Remember Will, you won Teacher of the Year.'

'That was years ago, maybe my passion lies elsewhere now.' He pulled me into him. Maybe I've lost my touch?'

'Believe me, you haven't lost your touch.' I caressed his face and he gave me a wane smile. 'The Glee kids love you.'

Figgins, upped the ante and dropped the word 'tenure' into Wills' head. Suddenly Will forgot that he's probably one of the best teachers in McKinley and focused on winning tenure because he wants to provide security for me. I love my 'knight' but sometimes he tries to save a damsel whether she's in distress or not. He decided to go to night school to brush up on his Spanish. He knows Spanish but he seemed to think he'd forgotten it all. I thought, let's see how this plays out. He did redeem himself by the end though, oh yes… did he redeem himself!

Will came home from his first class and told me he's glad the Spanish class isn't on the same night as my SAT prep evening class.

'Why not?' I asked.

Because the teacher, David, was a tooth model! As someone said in class to him, he's got the most beautiful teeth he's ever seen. And I know how you're attracted to perfect oral hygiene.

I laughed.

The next day Will came into my office and shut the door and pulled up a chair.

'You'll never guess what just happened?'

I shrugged my shoulders.

Sue has decided she wants a child!

'Is that even possible, at her age? Besides, didn't she tell you once she doesn't have a womb?

You never know what's truth or fiction with Sue. She said she had some eggs frozen in the 70's. Did it herself.

I laughed, imagining Sue's ovum sitting in her freezer.

Then Will dropped another bombshell.

She asked me to..to give her the sperm.

We looked at each other dumbfounded.

Sam and Mercedes came to see me this week. They were in luck: I had just got back my new series of pamphlets from the printer that uniquely address the modern issues of today's 21st century teen - 'So You're a Two Timin'-Ho' and 'So You're Dating a Two Timin'-Ho'. It got their attention. Just as I knew it would. Mercedes response to my pamphlets was, 'I'm just trying to hear what my heart is trying to tell me.' I said 'If you really want to listen then you have to stop talking.' I was serious. 'There's a lot of communication in your lives these days with texting and IM-ing and Facebook and you don't have any quiet time with yourselves to make informed decisions on your true feelings.' My point was made perfectly valid by Sam using his phone while I was saying this! I recommended that they not talk to each other for a week – no emails, no texts, nothing and I think at the end of that week you'll have a much better idea of what your true feelings are. Not having Will to talk to last year, made me realize, how much I missed him, made me realize how much of a mistake I'd made.

Then Santana challenged Will to do his own Spanish performance and things got worse. Meanwhile, I braced myself and confronted Sue.

I handed her a pamphlet 'Please Don't Hog My Fiance's Nog'.

'I take it Will told you?'

'Yes Will tells me everything. It is so inappropriate for you to ask him to father your child.'

'Have a seat Lady Bird Hollow Pelvis and be careful those chairs are hard, I know how fragile your bones are.'

'Look, I know how it feels to want to start a family, I want to have a baby too, but…'

'I wouldn't get your hopes up, I'm not sure your avian frame could withstand the rigours of child birth.'

'Ok, just tell me why, why Will? You hate him, you've made that very clear.'

'In case you haven't noticed I have a little bit of mean streak, I'm cunning, I'm vindictive, I spend a large portion of every day vibrating with a palpable sense of wild, irrational rage and I don't ever want my kid to feel that. Every time I've insulted Will, tried to stop him in his crusade to ruin pop culture by wiping his lily behind with the American songbook, he's always risen up and met me with kindness, if goodness and optimism are somehow genetic, that's what I want for my child. (I was struck by the truthfulness and integrity of her intention.) He isn't gonna do it is he?'

'I prefer to let him tell you that. I'm really sorry Sue. You know for what it's worth, I think you should have a child, I think it would be really good for you.' (I walked off, once again Sue Sylvester had left me speechless.)

Will told me some days later that she's found another donor.

I got my new pamphlets back from the printer. I was so proud of them, some of my wittiest to date, I went to show Will, there was one in particular I wanted him to see. He was sitting on the couch rifling through Spanish/English dictionaries for his performance to show Santana. I sat down next to him and opened the box.

'I'm feeling so Stephen King with these things lately. I'm so prolific. Will was preoccupied trying to make the perfect Spanish lesson. I placed the brochure I wanted him to see in front of him: 'Performance Anxiety – it's not just for teenage boys.' I thought he'd get it – worrying all week about his teaching performance, but his reaction was not one of amusement.

'Do you realize how important this tenure is for us, if we want to start a family it means we will always be able to feed our kids, give them health insurance…' I put 'How to give yourself stitches on his dictionary and he spat the dummy. 'Can't you see I'm doing this to take care of you?'

'OK. I think I can take care of myself. You know what? I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you my new pamphlets. I'm really proud of them.'

'They're silly Emma.' He saw the anger in my eyes. 'Sorry I love you, but do you really think the kids take them seriously?'

I put the pamphlets back. 'You know what, I know the titles are silly, that's the point, sometimes you have to be a little provocative if you want to get teenagers' attention – they're conversation starters. And you're being really mean.'

'Have you got a pamphlet for that?'

I walked off. Ignoring his 'Emma I'm sorry, Emma wait.' He can be such a blind child.

Shannon called me a genius in front of Will. He walked into the lunch room as she said the word 'genius' Will jokingly inquired if she was calling him a genius for the set list he's decided on for Nationals. I watched him.

No Will, she handed him my pamphlet, 'T'aint Misbehaving'. He looked confused.

Shannon explained how it was about the importance of thoroughly washing your jock strap. Will laughed with embarrassed amusement. Then Shannon explained how the bacteria was no laughing matter and no matter how many times she tells the boys about the steaming, lurking dangers, nobody cared until I found a way to get through to them. And now their cables and bits are as clean as a little angel tear and when she showed them to Cooter not only did he order 10,000 copies for Ohio State he got every team in the big 10 to order copies too.

'It's genius,' she exclaimed again, 'I've never met a teacher whose passion literally saves lives. Aren't you proud of her Will?'

I looked at him.

'Yes, absolutely.' He said looking at me with conviction.

I believe he's been suitably chastised and humbled and his ego has been put back in its place. Thank you Shannon.

That night when he got home from his night class he sat down next to me and said:

'I've taken the history teaching position Figgins had advertised on the notice board. I offered David my job as Spanish teacher.' Try not to fall in love with his teeth or his sexy dance moves.'

'What's prompted this?'

'Santana.' I sang, Elvis Presley's classic, 'A Little Less Conversation' this afternoon in full bullfighting regalia, trying to show her who was boss. She said I was perpetuating stereotypes and asked me why I became a Spanish teacher. I was embarrassed to say I became a Spanish teacher because it was the only teaching position open at the time. Then she said something that pulled me up short. Something _you _taught me. She said, 'Without passion you can't succeed. You taught us that and you do when you teach Glee.' 'Spanish isn't my passion. Music is and helping kids express themselves is.'

'I know. For the time being though, history will do.'

Will looked into my eyes, 'We're all students of life, aren't we? Some of us just learn faster than others.'

And so the week came to an end with a more enlightened Will and tenure for me! Now I can take care of Will! On Friday afternoon I went to look at some bridal gowns. When I got home I walked in to find Will wearing my apron, candles lit, carrots perfectly aligned on the plate and wine on the table. What's all this?' I asked. He didn't say anything, just pulled out a pamphlet from his apron pocket: 'So you were a jerk to your fiancé.' Not particularly clever but I appreciate your pith.' I commented. Then he reached into the apron again and pulled out, 'Congratulations, I love you', with a picture of me on the cover! I gave him a hug. 'They're wonderful. A little myopic maybe but a great first effort.' I told him.

'I'm so proud of you.' he said, leading me to the table, pulling out a chair and placing the napkin over my lap. 'So do I call you Professor or Madam or what? I'm not sure of the protocol here.'

'No, no, no, it's just tenure, you can call me Emma, or sweetheart or cutiepie or dollface or Professor Doll Face! I like Professor Dollface.

He knelt beside me. 'My first marriage didn't work out because my wife didn't believe in me and then I go and pull the same crap on you. All I know is right now, in this moment I just want it to stop and sit here eat some chicken and look back on everything you've done to reach this moment and everything I'm going to do from this moment on to make sure you feel as special and amazing as I know you are.' His kisses made my heart dance and as the last words fell from his mouth, I watched his lips, anticipating their fall on mine, already feeling their passionate touch and his warm breath mingled with mine. They came. We reluctantly paused for air and I rested my forehead against his, smiling. I couldn't decide whether the heat was from the flames in the fireplace or from us.

'Can we put the chicken on hold for a while?'

'Why?

I picked up my glass of wine and lead him to the couch stating, 'Those weren't my lips you just kissed…it was my soul. Don't stop.'

After dinner, he announced, 'Professor Dollface, your bath will be ready in 5 minutes. He took a wooden spoon with him and said, 'Do not touch a dish.' I followed him to the bathroom and watched bemusedly as he presented one bath oil to me after another, waiting for my nod of approval before he poured it in. With each addition he stirred the steaming water with the wooden spoon. I laughed. Finally, it was ready, a cauldron of scent and bubbles.

'Relax while I clean up. Here's a bridal magazine to read if you get bored.

I undressed and sank into the hot water. Five minutes later, I glanced up from the magazine to find him leaning against the door frame, watching me.

'Will this is almost the perfect bath.'

'Almost?' he frowned.

'Mmm it's just missing one thing.'

'What?'

'You.'

His mouth opened and then closed again.

'Aren't you coming in?'

I've never seen him undress so fast.


	15. Chapter 15

Heart

'_**Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts'. Author Unknown**_

Dear Diary,

'Hey let's make each other a play list of love songs for Valentine's Day,' Will suggested.

'OK', I replied with delight, 'we can play them over a romantic dinner,' I added.

'Followed by slow dancing with you in my arms, perfect.'

'What if we choose the same songs? I mean we can't just listen to 'Endless Love' repeatedly all night.

Will laughed. 'Ok, how about neither of us choose 'Endless Love', but we have to include a duet? And you choose female singers and I'll choose male singers and combined we should have a perfect balance of voices that reflect how we feel about each other.

I nodded. 'This will be fun.'

We parted ways to our respective itunes libraries.

Will also decided to give the assignment to the kids to find the world's greatest love songs. Teenagers love romance of any kind – what else could explain the popularity of 'Twilight'? Regionals is also coming up and New Directions needs to raise money. Will's thinking the Glee kids could raise money by singing to couples in love at school like a singing love telegram.

Dear Diary,

The kids didn't like the idea of singing telegrams. Sugar, however, saved the day and gave Will the money they needed. He came home and said he wasn't so sure about taking it. I suggested he phone Sugar's dad to tell him what she'd done which he did. Mr Motta said, 'Take it. Consider it a donation to the arts.'

Dear Diary,

BIG NEWS. Finn and Rachel are getting married. I only have two words for them: TOO SPONTANEOUS. Have they learnt nothing from studying Romeo and Juliet?

Will said, Sam and Mercedes seem to have broken up – Sam walked out after her rendition of 'I Will Always Love You'. Such an emotional song but not on my list of songs for Will. I've been listening to love songs non stop in preparation for our Valentine's Day date. I believe I have my playlist. A playlist that reflects my inner most thoughts and feelings about Will:

You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman – Aretha Franklin

You're All I Need to Get By – Aretha Franklin

'Betcha By Golly, Wow – The Stylistics

At Last – Etta James

Suddenly – Olivia Newton-John and Cliff Richard

Free in You – Indigo Girls

Lost Inside of You – Barbra Streisand

I'll never Find Another You – The Seekers.

Tonight I celebrate my love for you – Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack

Sweet Love – Anita Baker

Fever – Madonna

Love, Need and Want You – Patty LaBelle.

Crazy For You – Madonna

Someday My Prince Will Come – Barbra Streisand (from Snow White)

I can't wait to hear what Will's chosen.

Dear Diary,

Our date night arrived. Champagne and Sushi – an ideal food that is light, clean and combines both creativity and control in the most impressive and satisfying way. Dessert was more sensual – strawberries dipped into melted chocolate. We had candles and slow dancing, and laughter at some of our song choices. The songs were like an aphrodisiac. By the time we got to the sultry and seductive tones of Ron Isely singing Bacharach (such a good choice). Will and I were lying on the rug in front of the fire. The floor! Then I started to feel unromantic as things really heated up and we became hot and sweaty. I sat up and said, 'Maybe it's time to get the carpet steam-cleaned again.' Will looked at me then stood and reached out a hand to pull me up. He said, I've got one more song for you. I sat on the couch while he went to the keyboard and said, this one's called 'Song for Emma', by Will Scheuster.

Passing fancies that suited me for a while

Uncertain about love until I saw your smile

Slipping and sliding in your direction

Promise now to never be careless with our love and affection

I want to be the one who holds you close in the night

And dances with you in the evening light

I want to be the one who sings you this song

Looking into your eyes reflecting a love so strong

I want to be the one whose hands and kisses

Grace your body, oh baby let them linger

I want to be the one in whose arms you sleep

bathe in my love, it's an endless deep

I want to be the one who wipes your tears

Understands and helps you fight your fears

I want to be the one who sees your dreams come true

So I can say, I never stopped believing in you

I want to be the one whose heart you hold

Forever, together let our life unfold

I want to be the one,

Cos baby, you are the only one.

I think the look on my face must have said it all. We headed off to bed, not forgetting to blow out the candles on our way past.

Will's playlist:

Open Arms – Journey

Lady (You Bring Me Up) – The Commodores

Glory of Love – Peter Cetera

The Look of Love – Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach

Here I am – Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach

Close to You – Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach

What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life – Frank Sinatra

Deep Inside of You – Neil Diamond

All I ask of You – Phantom of the Opera

This Guy's In Love With You – Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach

I love you More Today than Yesterday – Spiral Staircase

My One and Only Love – Sting

Your Song – Elton John

Can you feel the love tonight – Elton John


	16. Chapter 16

On My Way

'_**At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how it's going to end.'**_

Dear Diary,

It seems Bullying came to visit everyone this week. It began with some show choir 'terrorism' from one of The Warblers called Sebastion. He has created a nude photo of Finn and given him a most unflattering penis. He gave Rachel 24 hours to drop out of Regionals or he threatened to post it on the internet.

Rachel came to Will with the photo. Will got on the phone to Dalton Academy telling them they need to get some control over their kids. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, the internet as a whole, the pressure to protect your reputation is so much worse than when we were kids. And kids can sling their hatred and mud anonymously and therefore feel safe doing it. Sebastion hasn't been anonymous though. He's proud that everyone knows it's him. He wants the attention – probably ignored by his parents.

Will told the kids that 'the more successful you get the more garbage people are going to make up about you. People love to tear you down.' The Glee kids weren't satisfied with just a phone call to Dalton. They're sick and tired of The Warbler's bullying, especially after what happened to Blaine. Rachel insists on performing. Finn is devastated that she would allow him to be humiliated. But Rachel is right, you can't let lowlife, bullying behaviour dictate the result. Everyone knows the photo has been photoshopped – it's not really Finn. As Will said, it's just garbage. If anything it's more telling about Sebastion than Finn.

Then it was my turn to confront the bully that is my OCD. Will went for a run and came back all sweaty. He gulped down a glass of water and turned to me. I didn't like the look in his eye.

'We've been working towards this. We have to take the exposure to the next level.'

I looked at his sweat-drenched tshirt in disgust and shook my head. 'My stomach doesn't feel good, I feel sick. Maybe I'm getting my period.'

'It's your brain telling you that.' He walked over to me and unbuttoned my cardigan and slid it off me, placing it on the table. Then he lifted his tshirt over his head and put it on a chair. I looked at his arms and chest, glowing with sweat. He smelt sweaty but, I thought, not in a bad way…in fact it was kind of appealing. I took off my shirt.

I ran my hands down his arms and grimaced.

'Anxiety level?'

'Five.'

'Five? That's a great start. You're winning this Emma.'

I wrapped my arms around his body and leant against his chest. I felt his sweat against my cheek, my chest. He folded his arms around me.

'You're doing really well Emma, that's one minute. How are you feeling?'

'Three.'

'Keep holding.'

We held each other for another minute, I ran my hands along his back then I kissed his chest and looked up at him, 'One or maybe none.' His face came to mine. I am on my way!

Later that day I unloaded the washing machine and reloaded it with the washed clothes. Will saw me. 'Emma, it's your brain trying to make you wash the clothes again. Resist it. You're getting your brain back. Your life back.'

Dear Diary,

Figgins dropped a bombshell: Dave Karofsky tried to hang himself. Sue, Will and I met Figgins in his office. Figgins said one teenage suicide can start a string of copycat suicides. We have to be very careful how we tell the student body. Sue actually cried. She thought there was something more she could have done. Will said we thought he was going to hurt Kurt, not himself. Figgins said it's not our job to know everything. I said, then whose job is it?

Will and I discussed it further when we got home…maybe it's no one's job to know, but maybe it's our job to help make individuals feel worthy, resilient and secure – Will told me how he felt the day he cheated on an exam – he didn't want to face the disappointment in his father's eyes so he went up to school roof and stood on the edge and contemplated jumping.

He said, 'I guess that's the thing – no one really knows what will tip a person over the edge, sometimes they themselves don't know. I just wanted the pain and humiliation to stop. Everyone has something that will push them to the edge. No one knows it until it happens.

I nodded. 'I've always considered myself quite a strong minded person, but loneliness can destroy anyone. There was a time, I felt so utterly alone, there was nothing…nothing to hold me, no gravity. I felt all Sylvia Plathish.

We hugged each other. Will said, 'I think I'll sit down with the Glee kids and talk about looking towards the future when they feel hopeless or depressed.'

Unfortunately Will's d&m with them slightly backfired – Finn and Rachel have decided to get married straight after Regionals.

Will said, given the events of this week, he and the kids would choose songs for Regionals that were self empowering – songs for everyone: for the kids, for me, for him, for us.

I Believe I Can Fly

What Doesn't Kill you Makes You Stronger.

Here's To Us

How could they lose? They didn't. We're off to Nationals. In Chicago. I'll have to sleep in a hotel.

Dear Diary,

Will went to Rachel and Finn's wedding. When Will told me she was getting married, I had asked her if she had any ideas for a wedding dress. She had whipped out her phone and shown me a picture of Audrey Hepburn in 'Funny Face.' A 1950's tea-length dress. I would have liked to have seen her in it but I stayed at home. I had bad period pain, I was throwing up and the naprogesic wouldn't kick in so I went to bed.

Will came home with the most staggering news:

1. Finn and Rachel didn't get married. The police phoned Rachel on Quinn's phone. She's been in a car accident. Rachel refused to go ahead with the wedding.

And 2. Sue is PREGNANT and she wants to HELP Will win Nationals. Will says there must be a catch. I said it must be the hormones.


	17. Chapter 17

Big Brother

'**Better not give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together.' Finnick Odair in '****Mockingjay'**

Will and I went to visit Quinn in hospital. Some of the kids were there. Quinn may never walk again.

Roz Washington has been made co coach of the Cheerios. Sue is ropable. She has made a deal with Will and wants to take over Booty Camp to help them win Nationals so the school will receive $10,000 and she'll get her Cheerios back. Will admits, she has won 7 chamionships, she must have something to contribute and he's willing to give her a chance, so he agreed.

Since Sue is trying to help Will and the kids, I decided to reach out and be a friend to her too. We're going with her to the doctor to find out the sex of her daughter! I love a sterile medical environment.

Sue got Blaines' brother Cooper Anderson from the credit ads to give the Glee kids a master class in acting. Will said Cooper kissed Sue full on the lips and then she sang along with the Cooper and Blaine when they sang Duran Duran's 'Hungry Like a Wolf'. How funny to see Sue smitten – maybe she is human after all. Those baby hormones really are turning her into a new person.

Dear Diary,

Over dinner, we talked about Blaine's brother. Will said he always wished he'd had a brother growing up – someone to play with – 'Probably why I loved Glee club so much – I felt like I had all of these brother and sisters.'

'Yeah, well siblings aren't always what you want them to be; my brother would never play with me…probably because I tried to wash all of his toy soldiers that he had strategically placed over the back yard.' Will laughed and looked at me with that look of love. I continued, 'He had the sensitivity of a sledge hammer. One Saturday afternoon I was playing on the front lawn, with a doll – giving it a bath. My brother and some other kids in the street filled their water pistols with urine and jumped out at me from behind a bush and started firing.' The smile left Will's face. 'Of course I ran inside in tears. My mother wouldn't touch me, just said, 'boys will be boys' and told me to get straight in the bath. She came into the bathroom and picked up my clothes with a pair of tongs. My father told me to 'toughen up'.

Dear Diary,

We went with Sue to her gynaecologist's appointment. As we sat in the waiting room, she said, 'The thought of a boy clinging to my insides is making me nauseous.'

Will said, 'Maybe you should just wait until you find out the sex of the baby.'

'Besides,' I said, 'Boys aren't so bad anyway.' I looked coyly at Will and he smiled. We both knew what we were thinking: last night. Sue said something more I think about them being weak minded but my mind was elsewhere…

Last night we lay on the bed naked and Will kissed me all over and I mean _all over_. His hand rested on my pubic bone and his fingers began to work their magic and my hands created some magic for him. Fear is no longer there. These past couple of months, my hands have travelled his body as his have mine until now our bodies seem an extension of each other.

When the doctor asked Sue who we were, she said we were her friends. I bet that's a word that doesn't come out of her mouth too often. I smiled at Will. The news for Sue was bitter sweet - she's having a girl but her amnio came back with irregularities.

Dear Diary,

Will came home from Booty Camp this afternoon and said 'Teen Jesus has joined Glee.' I looked at him questioningly. He laughed. It's what Brittney calls him – a new kids who wears sandals and dread locks.'

'Dread locks? Does he wash his hair?'

'No idea.'

'Sue told the kids she would continue to help them because I need at least one adult friend!' I smiled. He already has a best friend. 'And she is hoping the unborn child will soak up some of their constantly annoying though admittedly laudable optimism and decency and with that piece of information she stared straight at me. I guess it was her way of giving me a compliment. She promises to be nicer if they promise to work harder. I believe she's finally on our side.'


	18. Chapter 18

Saturday Night Gleever

_**'Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest.'**_

Dear Diary,

Will has just been in my office. The theme for Nationals is Vintage. Yay, I love Vintage. He said he is so distracted he can't even stage musical numbers on his scale model Glee diorama. He has three seniors in trouble: Finn has talent but no self esteem; Mercedes is just as talented as Rachel and Kurt but has no vision for herself; and he's really worried about Santana, she's got all the ambition but no focus. She just wants to be famous, she doesn't even care how. He doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure either. We each evolve at our own pace – just because you're finishing school doesn't mean you know what you're going to do with your life. I said they'll work it out, eventually. Will is determined to help them realise their potential. While he went to Sue for advice I wrote him a poem and left it on his desk:

You are

the peanut to my butter

Water to my ocean

Glaze on my donut

Spring in my step

Twinkle in my eye

Blue in my sky

Cherry to my sundae

Flip to my flop

Milk to my cookie

Sweet in my dreams

Beat of my heart

Cheese to my macaroni

Best to my friend

Love of my life.

XX Emma

Dear Diary,

Sue's solution was to use the album that defined a generation – 'Saturday Night Fever'. Will loves that album – but the kids hate disco so Sue is going to offer them swag – they love free stuff but they really love _winning_ free stuff! Sue has leant them her own plexi- glass dance floor! I think Will would like one of those.

Dear Diary,

Will said M, F and S weren't that receptive to the idea of having to share their hopes for the future. Mercedes saw it as a teacher's game to get them to tell him what they wanted to do with their lives. But it worked – Mercedes said her dream was to sing big, bad, juicy hits that inspire people but she doesn't know how to make it happen. Her dad thinks her dream is unreasonable and what if she's cream at McKinley but skim milk out in the real world? We all face fears. Sometimes we just need someone to help us make the first step.

Dear Diary,

Will came home singing 'If I can't have you I don't want nobody baby…' And started dancing with me. Sue said to Will that it's come to her attention via her bugging system that a boy from vocal adrenalin came to see M and K at school. Sue said to leave it with her, she'll get to the bottom of it. She also said to leave Santana to her.

Will said Santana performed beautifully this afternoon, but still her only ambition is to be famous. He suggested she become a lawyer to make gay marriage legal. She has the quickness of mind and intelligence to be a lawyer. As with all the senior students throughout the year I had an appointment with Santana to assist with university applications or future plans. She never showed up. She's a straight-A student like Quinn, confident, good at sport, music, she could do anything she wants.

Dear Diary,

I just had Santana in my office. I pulled her out of history and made a few gentle enquiries about her future plans. Said I'd heard her plan was to become famous.

'Does Mr Schue tell you everything?'

'He's worried about you.'

'There's nothing to worry about. It's how you make money these days – becoming famous.'

'Do you really believe that Santana?' Her gaze wavered.'

'Look, I don't want some boring 9-5 job being told when I can eat and sleep. No offense Ms Pillsbury.'

'None taken, different jobs suit different people, but you know, a few months back, you didn't like the whole world knowing your sexual tendencies.'

'Yeah, well I've got over that. I'm out and proud.'

OK well just remember, reality TV like the Kardashians, Big Brother, X factor…these shows make people think that fame equals success but all they really create are talentless publicity whores feeding their narcissistic tendencies? You've been blessed with a lot of talents Santana, perhaps more than anyone else at McKinley, Mr Schue and I would hate to see you sell yourself short.'

Dear Diary,

It's Finn, who Will is really worried about. I think he sees so much of himself in Finn – personality wise and talent wise. He holds a special place in Will's heart and he doesn't want Finn to make the mistakes he made ie marrying his childhood sweetheart.

Dear Diary,

Rachel and Will came to me with a plan for helping Finn. I did some research and found Finn places in Ohio he has a chance at getting an athletics scholarship to. The three of us sat down with him and showed him some options for his future. He accepted the help and even seemed to get excited over some of the more glossy brochures. As he walked out of my office Will, Rachel and I hi-fived each other. Then Will said, I have a feeling he might have just been humouring us and he leapt off my desk and followed Finn. Good job he did because Finn threw all of the brochures into the bin. Will confronted him the next day. Finn said he wants time to stop, he wants to feel young and carefree forever, he wants to feel like he feels on the football field and he's just kicked a goal or when he's just finished a Glee performance and everyone is applauding. I think what he's saying is he wants to feel that kind of satisfaction with whatever he does. Will said to Finn, he thinks Finn knows what he wants with his life, he's just scared to say it out loud. Will said to him, 'You can do anything you want to It's not the broken dreams that break us, it's the ones we didn't dare to dream.' So true, last year when I gave up on my dream to be with Will, thinking it had just been a stupid dream, I felt such a failure, BROKEN and I settled for second best and I was MISERABLE.

Dear Diary,

As Ken once said, 'The herd will take care of it.' And they did! Brittany is a genius. She understands Santana better than anyone and realized you don't try to TELL Santana to change her mind about being famous at all cost like we all tried to do, she SHOWED her what it would be like. I didn't see the video she put on Youtube, but I heard the rumours. She somehow organized the student body to embarrass Santana enough to make her reassess her ambitions. Sue quickly followed Brittney's success with a cheerleading scholarship to Kentucky. Of course Sue likes people to be in her debt but I think deep down she really does care about those kids.

Finn has decided he wants to try acting. So he and Rachel can both be broke in New York together!

Dear Diary,

I walked into my office to find Will had left me a poem:

As the sun is to the earth

As the moon is to the tides

As air is to life

You are to me.

PS.

I like it when you smile

But I love it when I'm the reason. We're in the auditorium.

I headed over.

Sue had had Becky working overtime to make the whole club white polyester suits for a final number. I sat down next to Becky to watch Will, Sue and the kids strut their Saturday Night Gleever stuff to 'Stayin' Alive'. I looked at Will in his 70's white suit, swaying those hips. I smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

I want to Dance with Somebody

'**Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.' Hermann Hesse**

Dear Diary,

Will came to my office to talk about the kids.

He's surprised they're still not over Whitney's Houston's death. '

'You'd think after two months they'd let it go,' he said.

'I got this.' I reached into my personal drawer and pulled out a pamphlet that said 'Princess Di: Why I can't stop crying' and a picture of a red headed girl with copious amounts of tears falling from her eyes. Will asked if it was me? I nodded. 'August 31st 1997, I was about to start my senior year of high school when tragedy struck. I spent the next eight months sending condolences to the two princesses and listening to 'Candle In the Wind' on constant repeat.'

'Emma, I had no idea you had such a connection to her.'

'I didn't. I mean every little girl worshipped her, but she was just a physical representation of my pain. I was scared. It was my last year of high school. No more living at home, I was saying goodbye to my teachers, my friend. Diana dying represented the loss of my childhood.'

'So Whitney is their Diana.'

'Yes, exactly.'

He got up to go. 'You said, you didn't want to say goodbye to your friend…'

'Yes,'

'Not friends?

'No. I only had one friend at school.'

Will shook his head, 'They don't know what they missed out on.'

I smiled, 'Will, I wasn't the person I am today. Besides, it's quality not quantity.'

Will did some research on Whitney Houston. He wants them to celebrate her accomplishments and express and explore what's really going on with themselves. Help them on the transition from childhood to adulthood.

Dear Diary,

Will has just left my office. He is full of surprises. When he walked in saying he had a surprise I said, 'If it's another Rihanna song in the swimming pool I had to take pictures this time.'

He presented me with an envelope that said 'Mademoiselle Pillsbury'. I opened it to find one of the most extravagant 3D cards I've ever seen, stating it was from Mr Lavender. I looked questioningly at Will.

He quickly explained,'He's north western Ohio's premier wedding planner.I've booked him for us.'

He's paying for him from his tax refund and selling blood platelets. Thank God he didn't say he'd sold his sperm.

'This is absolutely wonderful,' I responded 'but I'm not so sure we need him. Since we're having the wedding at Christmas, the church is already decorated, I was going to put the champagne fountain near the manger, the cake next to the camel…'

Then he delivered his intent. He wants to move the wedding to May.

'That's next month. Is this about S-E-X?' I spelled it.

'No, 'it's about us. We've been in love for almost 3 years?' I nodded. 'There's no reason we should wait seven more months.

'Except for the fact that wedding planning takes so much time. It takes so much time. I only just started decorating our personalized nut cups and I'm only on the fifth one…' He stopped my words with a kiss. 'I guess we could let Mr Lavender…' He kissed me again. 'Ok…' He kissed me again.

'Alright? His kisses kept coming.

'Ok, ok.' I am helpless in his arms.

Dear Diary,

This afternoon Mr Lavender came over to discuss wedding plans. He and I had a good chat before Will arrived home. He stated flat out it would be impossible to move the wedding forward, venues just weren't available. I knew this would be the case. Will wouldn't be accepting of the fact though. Once he has his heart set on something, he refuses to budge. We would have to tread carefully when he arrived home. It was exciting to see his color pallets and he had some ideas like personalized hand wipes that captured my imagination.

Will arrived but before I could introduce Mr LavENDer to him, Will jumped the gun and called him Lavender and told him he wanted a dance floor and he'd be rapping and the Glee kids would be singing which immediately put Mr LavENDer offside. LavENDer told Will straight off the bat, the bad news and as predicted, Will didn't like what he heard. He said thank you for your time, handed him all of his belongings and walked off. I looked at LavENDer apologetically. He understood, he said, weddings can get intense and bring out the best and worst in people and he's used to dealing with all sorts of brides and grooms. I showed him to the door and went to talk to Will.

I think I knew what this was about. He had said the Glee kids would be performing at the wedding…they're his family, of course he wants them there. This week isn't about the kids letting go, this is about Will letting go…He's letting his heart rule his head. Now's not the time to talk to him…he needs to calm down. I walked into the kitchen. Will was sitting at the table he looked up at me.

'I'm sorry…I just don't want to take no for an answer.'

'I know. It's just the reality is…'I

'I'll find a venue.'

I nodded and kissed him and started preparing dinner. 'Santana and Rachel sang together today, for the first time…I got really emotional just seeing how happy they were together, after all this time hating each other…'

'It's rewarding seeing human beings grow isn't it?' I responded. I kept chopping the carrots.

Dear Diary,

Kurt and Blaine came to see me today although Blaine did state he was a little confused as to why he was in my office. I explained that Kurt had asked me to give them a little couple's counselling. Of course I'm not qualified with a piece of paper at all but life experience and being made an outsider from a young age has made me a keen observer of human nature and it makes me qualified. As I learnt from Will brutal honesty is the cornerstone to any relationship. I want them to feel like my office is a safe space for them to air their differences. I mean whereas can they do that? They were receptive to the idea. They had no trouble voicing their opinions about each other. It immediately came to light that a third party's text messaging to Kurt was the spark that had ignited this fire. Kurt defended himself by saying that he'd sung a song to Blaine expressing how sorry he was (I quickly pushed my pamphlet 'Say Sorry With A Song' under some papers. That one wasn't going to work. Then it came to light that what's really bothering Blaine is Kurt moving to NY and him being left behind. He feels rejected and alone. Kurt reassured him they would skype every day and visit each other every weekend. They hugged each other and proclaimed each other the love of their lives. I was moved. Another successful counselling session. Now could I counsel Will?

Dear Diary,

I went home to champagne…on a Tuesday. Will had gone all Hunter S Thompson on me. He said we were celebrating, he'd found us a wedding venue: the KOA camp ground by route 9. He said there was plenty of space for a stage, plenty of juice for the amps and instruments and they'd leave the toilets open for us so people didn't have to walk around with quarters.

'It all sounds a bit rustic.' I replied thinking now was the time for our counselling session. Will continued, 'Babe, married under the stars, it's romantic!

I said, 'I have OCD. I throw away a broom after I've used it once and you think I'm going to get married in a campground?

'I know it's not ideal but it's the only place available.'

'Unless we move the wedding to November.'

'I won't do that.'

'Will, the Glee kids will come back for the wedding if it's in November.'

'What if they don't?'

I gave him a 'you're being ridiculous' look.

'I'm sorry. I just don't want them to leave.' He put his head into his hands.

'You know that's the wonderful thing about being a teacher. Every year you get a new group of kids to inspire you.' I sat down next to him.

'Yeah, but these kids changed my life. Three years ago I was just a Spanish teacher, sitting right here with Terri telling me to be an accountant and now I'm going to Nationals for the second time and I'm marrying you and it will never be like this again.'

'You know you and the kids gave each other a gift, but the love you have for each other you keep it with you, that never goes away.'

'I'm just going to miss them so much.' He started crying.

I caressed his head. 'I know, which is why you know if you and I had our wedding ten years from now on the moon, those kids would be there.'

'Would you prefer that to the camp ground?'

I pulled him to me and hugged him.

Dear Diary,

Will decided to give ND the option of an afternoon off. It's been an emotional week. I think he wanted to test their loyalty and himself – getting used to the feeling of not having them all there for rehearsals after school.

I went home and decided to bake him some chocolate chip cookies in an attempt to cheer him up. I found some Whitney Houston on my ipod, sat it in the dock, cranked up the volume, donned an apron and turned on the oven. I was just taking my second batch of cookies out of the oven and singing '…oooh I wanna feel the heat with somebody…' when I turned around to see Will leaning against the door frame smiling at me. I put the cookies down and with oven mitts still on danced over to him and pulled him into my arms… 'don't you wanna dance, say you wanna dance…'

He laughed and twirled me out and back into his arms before leaning me backwards and inches from my lips said, 'Those cookies smell heavenly' and he lifted me up and took one. I hit him with my glove. He took a bite. 'Mmm, divine'.

'Made with love.' I informed him, walking away to turn down the music. I started cleaning up.

He came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck. 'They almost taste as good as you.'

'Is that so?' I smiled, turning around to face him and rest my arms around his neck while accepting more kisses.

'So did the kids show up for rehearsal?'

He nodded. 'When I arrived in the auditorium there they all were singing, 'Your love is my love' and, there was that magnetic gaze again, he sang '…it would take an eternity to break us up…'


	20. Chapter 20

Choke

'**There is no safe investment; to love at all is to be vulnerable.' CS Lewis.**

Dear Diary,

I thought I was ready. I had Jewel's 'Break Me' playing on repeat in the car all week:

'**I will meet you in some place, where the light lends itself to soft repose, I will let you undress me…I am lost to you now and there's no amount of reason that could save me. So break me, take me…' **

But sometimes things just don't pan out the way you plan (as Rachel and Bieste discovered.)

Rachel 'choked' at her NYADA audition. Carman Tipodot requested that there be no audience, so I couldn't go but Will told me she forgot the lyrics to 'Don't Rain On My Parade.' Unheard of!

Shannon choked over telling us the truth about her black eye. It wasn't a punching bag that hit her, it was Cooter. Sue, Will, Roz (or Black Sue as Original Sue likes to call her) were stunned by the humiliating and soul-destroying revelation. Sue told Will, she's not so sure, Shannon has left him either.

And I choked last night.


	21. Chapter 21

Promosauras

**_'My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, and you're floating. Floating in midair. And the only think keeping you from drifting away is the other person's eyes. They're connected to yours by some invisible physical force, and they hold you fast while the rest of the world swirls and twirls and falls completely away.'_** **_Wendelin Van Draanen, 'Flipped'_**

Dear Diary,

When Will found out last year, that I'd never been to a prom, he was determined I'd go to this one. We signed up to a be a presence on the night and were there in body but once we were in each other's arms, as Santana sang in 'Take My Breath Away, Will and I kept 'returning and returning to some secret place inside' of us. We stayed behind the mass of teenagers, a distant island paradise floating on a swirling sea of energy and excitement that was palpable. I barely registered that Quinn stood for the first time since her accident and Rachel arrived late…and she won prom queen – she wasn't even nominated!

Actually Britney did an outstanding job. The theme was 'dinosaurs' and the hall looked appropriately cave like, the kids loved the meat, berries and rain water and surprisingly no one wore hair gel, including Will. Sue made her best punch ever with 7 tablespoons of Vizeen just to ensure the prom ended on time. I have to hand it to her – her subversive and near immoral methods of controlling teenagers is impressive. The Glee kids performed to raucous applause after every number.

God knows where Britney managed to find a giant dinosaur but she did and it became the photo 'booth'. Will and I had our photo taken on the dinosaur. I spontaneously kissed him in front of everyone, I couldn't help it; life is a lot less predictable without OCD being in charge! Jacob was official photographer and he captured the moment. It will no doubt be in his school paper/blog on Monday, but I don't care.

After our photo, I whispered in Will's ear, 'Let's go home.' He looked at me, gave Figgins a wave and lead the way out. We almost ran to the car. As soon as we got in, I grabbed his face between my hands and started kissing him. He moaned. We eventually stopped our heavy petting and I rested my forehead against his and said, 'Drive.'

I watched him as he drove, he turned to me and asked, 'What is it?'

'Just love. For you.' I said nonchalantly. 'Beating through my bloodstream, like sustenance.'

He took my hand and went that little bit faster.

At home we fell on to the bed, clothes peeling off, kisses tumbling, limbs entwined. I was going all the way tonight. There were no interfering thoughts. Then, the phone rang. We stopped and looked at each other. I sat up, my legs akimbo over his torso and looking down at him asked, 'Who would phone at this late and unexpected hour?'

'It might be one of the kids,' Will said, 'I told them they could phone me anytime they were in trouble. It is Prom night, maybe Puck finally succeeded in spiking Sue's punch.' He picked up the phone. It was my mother. That killed it.


	22. Chapter 22

Props

_**'Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people.'**_

Dear Diary,

Show Choir Magazine has put Unique on the cover – New Directions may have their toughest competition ever. Will is withstanding the pressure though. He had me laughing over dinner at his impersonation of Sue as imitated her telling the kids she was Jennifer Beale's dance double and therefore they were doing 'What A Feeling' from 'Flash Dance' for Nationals and they were all to wear helmets and wield grinders to create sparks in time with the music. That was news to Will. He said it's props madness: she's ordered little people on-line! And she wants Kurt to dress up as woman! Apparently Tina had a fit

about not getting a solo. Why now? They have one last week to come together.

Dear Diary,

Shannon told me she caught Puck in a fight after school. She took him under her wing. Found out the knife was just a prop from WSS. Noah finally revealed why he's so aggressive. Shannon revealed she has left Cooter. She told me he tried one final blow by saying 'Who's going to love you now.' And she answered 'Me.' I'm proud of her. She's coming to Nationals with us as a chaperone. Will said she may be bunking with us since Sue doesn't want to share her executive maternity suite!

Dear Diary,

I went along to see how Tina was going with the costumes and it seems Tina and Rachel have sorted their differences out. I asked her if she was happy with the dress design. She said, 'Yes. Ms Pillsbury, your dress design is flattering for all of our body shapes and comfortable to dance in. And thank you for finding us the shoes.' 'No problem. Shoes are my thing.'

Will has finalised the set list for Nationals. Everyone is happy. I packed two days ago.

Chicago here we come.

I just saw Rachel and Tina dancing past my door. I'd better get to the bus, or Sue will drive off without me.


	23. Chapter 23

Nationals

**_'My heartbeat accelerates. I am in the here, in the now. I am also in the future. I am holding her and wanting and knowing and hoping all at once. We are the ones who take this thing called music and line it up with this thing called time. We are the ticking, we are the pulsing, we are underneath every part of this moment. And by making the moment our own, we are rendering it timeless. There is no audience. There are no instruments. There are only bodies and thoughts and murmurs and looks. It's the concert rush to end all concert rushes, because this is what matters. When the heart races, this is what it's racing toward.'_ from '_Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist._'**

Dear Diary,

We are in Chicago for Nationals. Mercedes has food poisoning from a bad burrito. Sue has taken action.

I found Will sitting outside our room, mulling over the repercussions of the possibility of not winning. I said, 'It's a competition, they understand that everybody can't win.'

'But they never get to win, schools almost over for most of them. Can you imagine what it would be like for them to walk the halls just for a couple of days as champions?'

'If you are going to lead them to the promised land you are going to have to have an attitude adjustment. Will they're ready, you've made them ready for three years.'

'What if it wasn't enough?'

I looked at him. I can feel how much he wants this success for them. Before I could say anything in reply Shannon materialized requesting Will's presence.

There was pandemonium downstairs: the boys were fighting and Brittney's blanket and pillow had fallen into the pool. Rachel and Finn wanted to rehearse all night long, the other kids were saying they couldn't do it without Mercedes and Santana was saying she would go all Lima Heights on them if they didn't give it everything they've got. Will told them their rage was a great thing and I had to agree, they want to win. He offered them a 30 min break but Tina said no they'd keep going. Shannon and I looked at each other – they are a team and Will knows exactly how to handle them.

We stayed and watched them rehearse to confirm that they had regained focus then we called it a night. Shannon and Sue went back to Sue's room. Back in our room I said to Will, 'You've done everything you can do, it's up to them now. Winning it is in their hands and the judges hands, let it go.'

'I'm meant to be the one to remind you to let go of control.'

I smiled, 'Last night I dreamt about you, I can't remember the details, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you and you were me. I caressed his face.

We got into bed, I rested my head in the crook of his arm and rested an arm across his chest. Will put his arm around me.

'You know what? I smiled at him.

'What?'

'I don't even care that I'm sleeping in a strange bed with sheets I haven't washed myself.'

''Really?'

I nodded. 'Passion makes us fearless.' I kissed him. 'Good night.'

Dear Diary,

When Will sat down in the seat next to me, I could see he was anxious. Will believed things were not boding well for New Directions. They were performing first which Will called the 'death slot' and Carmen Tipodot hadn't arrived. Mercedes still had a fever, he didn't know if Quinn could withstand the rigors of the dance number. I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes he calmed down and gave me a quick kiss. I wrapped my arm around his and kept hold of his hand.

The kids performance was flawless. Flawless. Confident and energetic. Vocal Adrenaline may have had better dancers, but their performance was based solely around Unique and their props were cumbersome and distracting.

Will chose songs that showcased Rachel's and Finn's voices and integrated everyone else's voices equally. The songs were vintage, upbeat, theatrical and fun. He doesn't need to use the kids anymore to send me love letters, he delivers them himself, every day. Although he did say the idea for 'Paradise By the Dashboard Light' was inspired by our make out session after Prom! And his decision paid off. They WON! Out of all the show choirs in the country Will's WON!

I phoned the local newspaper and Principal Figgins to tell them the news. We all went out to eat and celebrate before the long ride home. Four and half hours of driving and we sang and chatted the whole way. Sue drove half the distance then asked Shannon if she wanted to take over. Will and I sat hand in hand the whole way. The feeling of complete euphoria is hard to describe. I realized this sense of achievement that we had all worked together to make a reality linked us forever now. Those kids would move through time and space away from each other but they would always have this connection, this feeling of pride to carry with them and be able to recall this sense of happiness. I looked at each of the kids, their faces beaming. They had all achieved: Brittany - presidency and a prom, Santana had come to terms with her sexuality, Quinn had danced at Nationals, Puck was graduating, Mike could sing, Sugar couldn't sing but she'd got herself into a choir anyway, Kurt, Blaine, Tina, Rachel, Finn, Mercedes – they had set out to win and they had won. I looked at Will. I didn't want this euphoric feeling to end, I wanted my own achievement to be proud of, an achievement I could share with him, as he was sharing with the kids. He and the kids were singing, 'The Edge of Glory again.' I looked at him, his eyes were shining, his whole being was radiating with energy and success, his singing voice – so seductive, his fingers entwined in mine, never letting go. I felt my whole body want to leap inside his skin, to be part of him, for him to be part of me. I thought to myself, I'm 'on the edge of glory with you', and tomorrow night my love, we're gonna go over the edge. We arrived home at 10pm. Exhausted.

Back at school the next day Figgins had told everyone about New Directions' success. The Lima News had Will on the front page. I rushed out and bought a cake and told Will to get his sexy backside to the teacher's lounge. I bought a candle to symbolize the fire in my nether regions. I got on the computer and printed off one pamphlet titled, 'When it's finally time to have intercourse.' I snuck in while he and the kids were delivering their trophy to the trophy cabinet and decorated his office and left the pamphlet on his desk. I wanted to see the expression on his face when he saw it so I followed him back. He looked surprised, but titillated. I walked off excited. There was no point staying at work, I had to choose a nightdress. And disconnect the phone.

When Will got home I was waiting for him in the bedroom doorway wearing my red nightdress, aglow with passion, backlit by the candles' flames, burning without a waver in the dark. He dropped his bag, mouth agape. I smiled. He walked slowly towards me. I took his hand, backed into the room, directing him to sit on the bed. I pulled off his shoes and socks then stood between his knees. He caught his breath. With the light from the hallway behind me now, I knew my attire was see-through. I smiled down at him as he ran his hands over my waist and hips and I traced a slow lingering caress along his face before delivering a whisper in his ear that had him standing up and reaching for me. I stepped back teasingly resisting his move and started undoing his shirt but I couldn't keep it slow any longer. My fingers sped down his chest, unbuckled his belt then I was jumping into his arms and wrapping my body around his and he was spinning me around and we fell on to to the bed...clothes were dispersed...it happened. I did it. No fears, no negative self talk, no mind playing tricks on me, just pure unadulterated PASSION. Finally, we had sex. And we floated through the evening making love: steamy showers, food, touches, looks, words, until we were ready to do it again...and again.

After the first time he said, 'How does it feel to be a winner?'

I said, 'The prize has been worth the struggle.'

'You're amazing.' He looked down at me with so much love in his eyes.

'And unlike your trophy, mine doesn't need polishing.' I said.

He laughed.

After the second time, he said, 'This is the best night of my life.'

The third time he called me a minx.

At Midnight, as I lay with my head on his chest, his hand caressing my back, he said pensively, 'I don't think I know anymore, where I end and you begin.'

I kissed his chest and said simply, 'We're one.'

The next morning the alarm rang. I reached for it. Rise and shine sleepy head.' I leaned over him, smiling. He opened his eyes and smiled. 'Good morning sexy lady, he pulled me towards him and gave me the longest good morning kiss ever.

Teacher of the Year Award time:

We stood in my office at school, I rolled the lint off his jacket and couldn't help but state how handsome he was. SO HANDSOME.

'Hey.' Will said. I looked at him questioningly. 'Thank you.'

As I straightened his tie, he started caressing my hips. 'My pleasure. Literally. I just thought, you know my man is a winner and he deserves to be treated as such and it was as much for me as it was for you.' I took hold of his hands, afraid, my knees would buckle under his touch that I was finding extremely erotic.

'Last night, was well worth the wait, but I meant thank you for everything. This whole year, it's been incredible. I am so grateful to have you by my side.'

'Many more years to come.' I smiled.

Those lips were so enticing. I felt myself falling towards him. Did we have to go to the awards ceremony? 'My Toucha Toucha Touch Me' fantasy suddenly paid my head a visit. Then son of a biscuit, if it's not Rachel interrupting us, it's Sue.

We walked down the corridor with her to the award ceremony and she was blathering on about winning, but the only thing going through my mind was how I wish she'd move from between Will and I so I could hold his hand. Feel his skin next to mine again. Will told her she did deserve to win. He is so generous in spirit. I am so proud to say he's mine. Sue asked me why I looked different. I wasn't about to tell her anything.

Finchel came to the stage to announce the winner: Will! Finn said he's taught him to dream. Rachel said she couldn't have succeeded without him and she'll carry him every step of the way to New York. I couldn't have succeeded without him either. I had my arm looped through his and my hand clasping his. I thought of that poster in my office, maybe I should add another line to it: Dreams are achievable…with the right person. Then New Directions started singing, 'We are the Champions' and Finn came off the stage to get Will. I reluctantly detached myself from him. Each member hugged Will. I knew he'd be crying. He looked straight at me and sent me a kiss. I kissed him back.


	24. Chapter 24

Goodbye

'_**Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.' from 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin'**_

Dear Diary,

Will is sitting on the couch practising 'Forever Young' on the guitar. The euphoria of victory has been sobered by having to say goodbye and we're both feeling a little mellow. While he's practising I'm in our bedroom, deciding what to wear to the Graduation Ceremony. It's not for a couple of days but I like to be organised. I've printed off all of the certificates and I'm ready to hand them out. I've replaced those single photos of Will and I beside our bed, with our Prom photo. It makes me smile, every time I look at it.

Dear Diary,

Graduation Day. I said to Will this morning, 'No Tears, ok?' He said he couldn't make any promises but a week of listening to the kids singing goodbye songs has been cathartic. He has also cleared his conscience by telling Finn about that day three years ago when he heard him singing in the locker room and planted pot in his locker and blackmailed him into joining Glee club. Finn's response was 'You are so much cooler than I ever thought you were.' I saw Will's magnificent chest visibly 'puff out' with pride when he told me.

Dear Diary,

We all stood waving Rachel goodbye. There were tears. Naturally. She had just discovered that Finn was refusing to marry her and was taking her to the train station instead of the church.

I looked at Rachel's face in the window, her lips were moving, she was probably still trying to sing through her tears. Finn stood before us, sad but resolute in his decision, separated by a solid glass window and a moving train. Metaphors, I thought, for dreams and life. Does one create the other? And what power they have to shape us, break us or make us. Rachel and I had been the 'small town girls living in a lonely world'. Now it was her turn to catch the 'midnight train' to pursue her dream. I felt Finn's pain but as Will had said to me at the end of Rocky Horror, 'If I really love you I have to let you go for now,' Finn must do the same for Rachel. With hindsight Rachel may look back on this day as the best day of her life, as I did this time last year when I moved in with Will; it's the day her dream life becomes her real life.

I wanted to tell Finn that pain makes you stronger, tears make you braver, heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap. But I didn't want to encourage underage drinking.

I watched the train moving away. A wave of utter contentment washed over me. I looked at my skirt and smiled. It was the skirt I was wearing the day I denied being in love with Will; my jacket was the one I wore the day I refused to admit my OCD was a problem; and why had I put on this shirt this morning? I hadn't worn ridiculously large bows for weeks now -I'm no longer afraid to open myself up emotionally or physically. Will hugged me closer and I tightened my grip on his waist. He had overcome all obstacles that stood in his way, reached inside me and set me free. I'd done the same for him. We are what Finchel could be in the future. They just have to grow first. Finn and Rachel are embarking on their separate journeys, destination: unknown. Will and I have arrived at our destination: each other.

I looked lovingly at Will. Dreams can come true; just 'Don't Stop Believing'.


End file.
